And nothing is ever as you want it to be

In a very ordinary world
A most extraordinary pain mingles with the small routines,
The loss seems huge and yet
Nothing can be pinned down or fully explained.

You are afraid.
If you found the perfect love
It would scald your hands,
Rip the skin from your nerves,
Cause havoc with a computered heart.

You lose your love for her and then it is her who is lost.
You tried not to hurt and yet
Everything you touched became a wound.
You tried to mend what cannot be mended,
You tried, neither foolish nor clumsy,
To rescue what cannot be rescued.

You failed,
And now she is elsewhere
And her night and your night
Are both utterly drained.

How easy it would be
If love could be brought home like a lost kitten
Or gathered in like strawberries,
How lovely it would be;
But nothing is ever as perfect as you want it to be.

Brian Patten

Miss you Beau xxx

Fairys visit

Had my baby girl to visit today but im tired and poorly so we jsut had a bed day. She loves hitting me in the face, she laughs so much. Shes adorable.

She loved playing peek a boo but got in a bit of a mard with me when i didnt look so id get another whack in the face.

And she liked playing a little game where she picks up a toy, i tell her to give it to me and then she gives it to me. And then gives herself a big clap and laughs. What a cutie pie.

K got in a bit of a mard with me cos i talked to fairy and not her or alannah. Pah, is k as special as my daughter? NOO

To Baby Kay

I see what you saw. I hear you and i hear me.
I hate how unfair this is.
You dont deserve this.
I feel your confusion, your fear, your anger.
We need to be comforted.

So let me wrap my arms around you, rest your head against my chest, be safe little one.
Sleep cradled in my loving arms, and know im trying my best to make it ok.
I promise that i am here to take care of us, and help you make it through and to be whole again.

I will stroke your hair, rub your back, and watch over you until we know that no one is coming.

Love Me x

I wish..
I wish i knew what it was like to have a normal mind
I wish i knew what it was like for others to be kind
I wish i knew what it was like to be a normal child
I wish i knew what it was like when my insides werent so wild
I wish i knew what it was like to be free, without worldly cares
I wish i knew what it was like to have pure goodness to be shared
I wish i knew what it was like to not have shattered dreams
And i wish i didnt have to wish to not tear at the seams

Please tell me that nothing is scary here and that everything will be ok.
And even if i laugh, and dont believe you. Maybe inside i might, a tiny little bit.

knknlkml;okj;lk,lk;,k

Havent been on here so long i almost forgot my password and had to have a big think before i knew it again anyways. Come back brain i need you.

Sometimes i feel like ive forgotten which way is up and im just spinning in space but everyone thinks i know that i am or that i know whats going on but i really dont. Im just like whoa touch my face. My hands go massive and the end of my nose feels like miles away and its all just ;oasjkf;oaksl;aklsl;kal;kfl;s.

Sometimes i just cant tell. And sometimes i just dont want to.

A picture for my angel. Missing her lots.

Today was ok i had dbt, managed to leave karen another croaky voicemail, ratherrr crap though..

Drew some more pictures and asked H to ask about arty stuff so tutor came to see me earlier and i will go to a art class type thing.. hmmmm.. :P that should be intersting. She said she will give me topics to think about and i can research stuff and then i can draw stuff and she will mark it.

Fairycakes is coming tomorrow yay, i think were going to go dress shopping in tescos lol our first mummy n daughter clothes shopping trip! Yayy.. pink frills are go.