today

so.. this weeks been a bit crap but lets just forget about it, ive cried buckets too and still am bawling my eyes out. im in an ok mood today though cos my dialisis has been moved to tomorrow so thats good.. but i wont be able to talk to annie so im be bored and all on my own and feeling like crap.

just had my weigh in and im 6st 5lb go me im getting fat.. i cant remember what i was last time which was like last week.. i might have been the same or a bit more. crap if ive lost more weight but oh well. cant have everything can i.

and.. drum roll please :) the best bit of news since like the beginning of this year.. blairs off the oxygen now completely and has just got a feeding tube cos she was struggling to do everything at once. shes had a measure up today 2, shes 4lb 9oz, 46cm long, 15cm round her waist (how littles that!) and 14 cm round her head .. shes doing so good.. she was on a vent on monday and was barely feeding at all and having seizures. shes had like 2 or 3 seizures in the last week so shes getting better, shes defo haveing less anyways. shes on some meds for them which i think are working

ive got a psych chat this aft and idk im not in the mood for having a meltdown. why cant i have a good day for once? all they do is ask about crap that i dont want to talk about. i could talk about beau for a lifetime but now i do want to talk about her and how lovely she was and how much i miss her, they want to know about my family! i might just like blurt it all out and then go bounce off walls for the night. whats one day of madness if it helps i suppose..
and its 4months today since beau died. seems like such a long time ago but its nothing at all. it still feels like yesterday. i miss her so much. i got her memory box out early this morning and just cried my eyes out.. ive got her tiny tubes and wristband and her necklace that goes with blairs. her wristband doesnt even fit around 2 of my fingers. by the end it was falling off her wrist thats how little she was.. and ive got all her photos and her blanket and her footprints and everthing. sighh.. it all smells of new baby. i was really upset the other day because i realised i cant remember her face. i can remember everything about her like how she felt and her little feet and her hands, but i cant picture her face. ive got pictures and things but i shouldnt need reminding should i? i know in time when i get over this il remember, and il be able to smile and tall blair all about her big sister. but its right now i want it.