What the hell?

so todays my days gone pretty craply. i had dialisis which was obv crap. and i had no one to talk to but this old man was going on about his family and stuff to me just chatting at me and then i just snapped and i was like can u shut up please so he stopped talking for like 10mins and then started talking about his allotment which was a lot easier to hear than his perfect flipping family. and i managed to eat a yogurt for dinner and thats it. im really hungry but my mouths just so dry and i just dont fancy eating kwim..

i spoke to paris at lunchtime cos i thought i should make it up to him cos yesterday night i spoke to him and made him cry cos i was so paranoid and begging him to stay on the fone. so today went a little better he just chatted away. he told me about his thomas the tank advent calendar which he is chuffed to bits about and hes got a new toothbrush. and hes promised next time he sees me hes gona bring his toothbrush to show me. i even managed to make him laugh. and hes got a new coat and hes dead exited about xmas. i was a bit pissy with him :( but managed to keep the paranoia in and not have a complete panic attack when he hung up. whatever lilys doing shes doing it right.. so thanks lily :)

and then this aft after i came off dialisis my half brother aaron called, and gave me my mums brothers number which completely had me in a panic cos like i didnt even no she had a brother and what if hes a complete fucker and aarghh.. so i had to ring aaron back and he had to calm me down and he was like well i was telling him about you yesterday and he wants to get to know his neice and he doesnt want to be pushy and i shud just ring him and that hes really nice. hes got a family and everything. and aaron was just going on about if i speak to him iv got real chance of a family. what the hell am i supposed to do?! i never even knew my mum had a brother? and what the hell am i supposed to say to a man who i have never ever met and never even heard of until now. he had a chance to chance my life. if he knew about me he could of saved my childhood couldnt he. how do you forgive that?

god im so so paranoid now! what if aarons lying? what the hell is this anyway? aarghh