Today

So yesterday Lily brough Paris down to visit and it was great. When he came in he like walked in with Lily and he was like "mummy!" and ran towards me. Lily brought Chloe too and i could just about hack it, i didnt hold her though, im too much of a wuss. Paris was asking lots of questions and i had to explain that mummy had 2 babies but Beau was very poorly so shes gone to heaven now and shes looking down on us all and is looking after him and Blair forever. I was crying my eyes out though so he got a upset so i had to explain that it isnt anyones fault and that Beau was just very poorly. And he asked if he was going to die because hes got a cold. Then i read him a story and he drew a picture of a house and mummy and him and Blair inside, and Beau in the sky. It was really sweet. Took a bit of imagination to see it, but it was there. I took him to see Blair today aswell and he was so cute, he held her on his knee and sat really still and straight and i got to hold them both on my knee.
My stomach is killing me. its a load of rubbish. Its like all round my back now too, and my stomach keeps moving, very strange! Im on more pain meds, urgh. The nurse sent a dr to come see me and he had a feel of my tummy and i passed out. My god that hurt. And he says i might have a aneurism!? He is going to do an ultrasound tomorrow and check me out. Ive just googled it and shiiiittttt... oh my bloody god.
Blair is doing ok, i held her again yesterday and had a cuddle, but she was sick down my front. Shes still got a bad cough though. The pediatrician has checked her out too, she has decided she wont have hardly anything in her mouth, so hes put her on iv antibiotics and listened to her chest. He thinks she might have bronchiolitis (!) but he'll see how she does on the antibiotics untill the weekend.
Paris is going home on Saturday, i dont want him to go. Im going to miss him so much more now!
And at the moment im trying to be brave while Paris is here, but it hurts so much, i keep throwing up im in so much pain, but i still have to smile otherwise it will upset him.
Im just on the edge too, like the sky is closing in on me, and im getting claustrophobic and panicky so i cant breathe properly. I wont go into my psychoticness right now because it will all come out otherwise.