Ive not been on here in a while but yeah a lots gone on.
Ysterday i nearly fell off the bed (dumb ass) and knocked my arm and broke it in 4 places so now ive got to be tested for osteoparosis which means my bones are rly brittle.
I cant eat much cos it all tastes like shit all metally and and just eww and i cant swallow properly so ive got to eat baby food. Ive also got to have a blood test to check my kidneys see that there working ok n if thats causing the horrible taste.
Andd now im talkin to a councillor an shes referd me to a therapist n psycologist or sumthing and god it feels horrible an makes me feel like a retard like laying my life open for her to see in but its what ive got to do i suppose. She wants me to have an evaluation aswell because i might have pnd and ptsd.
Is there anything i dont have?
Ive also got to see a dietitian and eating disorder person just to see what im eating an all that.
Blair is doing pretty good shes 2lb 14oz and is on high flow oxygen just incase but she can mostly breathe on her own :)
Shes on a feeding tube and when she hits 4lb she can try to have feeds from a bottle.
I miss Beau so much it feels like i will never smile again because my little girls not here. Nothing anyone can say or do will make it better or hurt less. My life seems so pointless and not even my precious surviving baby girl makes me want to stay here over going to be with Beau. Im not suicidal thats just how i feel. At the moment i honestly dont care if i live or die. My world has shatterd into a million tiny pieces and even trying to put it back together is a terrifying prospect. I know one day i will feel better so you dont have to say all you need is time. I know that so let me have some time.
This is a poem i found and it sort of sums up how i feel a bit..
I need to know there is heaven.
A place where my darling daughter is eternally safe.
A place where there is no darkness and no fear.
A place where she will never be alone or without a hand to hold.
A place where pain has no place and a smile lasts for all time.
A place where she can wait for me.
A place where we can meet again.
My broken heart needs this comfort.
But;If there is heaven, then surely there must be God.
A God who has taken my precious girl and has taken my indifferent heart and turned it into a vengeful and bitter soul.
I will burn down his houses and slander his name; I will not accept his word and will curse those who do.
If he and I should ever meet, ask me not to embrace him, for I shall be armed.
If he tries to seek me out or ever sees me walking his way, he should step aside, let me pass and hang his head in shame.
No words of comfort will ever be enough for me to be what I once was.
He has taken that also.
There cannot be a God.
But, I need to know there is heaven...?
This is another poem.. my wish list
I wish Beau hadn't died.
I wish I had her back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my baby's name.
Beau lived and is very important to me.
I need to hear that she was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about Beau, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. Beau's death is the cause of my tears.
You have talked about my baby and you have allowed me to share my grief.
I thank you for both.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.
I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me.
I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about Beau; my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often.
I also know that my Beau's death pains you too.
I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over.
These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.
I will suffer the death of Beau until the day I die.
I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover.
I will always miss Beau and I will always grieve that she is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy".
Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve.
I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered.
I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable.
Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal.
Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected.
So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice.
However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now.
I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent.
Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off.
When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people.
When Beau died, a big part of me died with him.
I am not the same person I was before Beau died and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief.
But, I pray daily that you will never understand.
Sunday, 31 August 2008
Thursday, 7 August 2008
Poems
To those who look away
when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department,look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.
To those who change the subject
when I speak my daughters name,change your way of thinking.
It just might change your whole life.
To those who roll their eyes
and say that i barely had her at all,
how could i miss her so much,
in my heart i have seen her live a thousand times.
i have seen her first steps, first day of school,
her wedding, and her children.
i have had her forever in my mind.
To those who say i can have another,
i did. I thank God for her everyday,but even if I have twenty more babies,
I will forever have one in the grave,and that is one too many.
To those who say to get on with my life,
I have. It is a different life,
The life of a grieving mother.
One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!
Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.
Do not dismiss me:
i have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.
Open your eyes to ME,
and you just might see HER.
&
Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.
&
Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears,
invisible fingers soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night, in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart,
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly of yourself
Inside of you, you created such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love of sadness,
of sorrow every emotion people come to know you shared with me.
And even though I may never feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating, like a lullaby,
singing me to sleep.
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me, nurturing me
preparing me for things to come
But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision I could make and I know you do too.
Know this, wherever you are:
I will always remember that yours was the first love the first joy, the first soul I will ever know
you gave me the courage to go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always call me to you.
when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department,look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.
To those who change the subject
when I speak my daughters name,change your way of thinking.
It just might change your whole life.
To those who roll their eyes
and say that i barely had her at all,
how could i miss her so much,
in my heart i have seen her live a thousand times.
i have seen her first steps, first day of school,
her wedding, and her children.
i have had her forever in my mind.
To those who say i can have another,
i did. I thank God for her everyday,but even if I have twenty more babies,
I will forever have one in the grave,and that is one too many.
To those who say to get on with my life,
I have. It is a different life,
The life of a grieving mother.
One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!
Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.
Do not dismiss me:
i have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.
Open your eyes to ME,
and you just might see HER.
&
Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.
&
Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears,
invisible fingers soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night, in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart,
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly of yourself
Inside of you, you created such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love of sadness,
of sorrow every emotion people come to know you shared with me.
And even though I may never feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating, like a lullaby,
singing me to sleep.
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me, nurturing me
preparing me for things to come
But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision I could make and I know you do too.
Know this, wherever you are:
I will always remember that yours was the first love the first joy, the first soul I will ever know
you gave me the courage to go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always call me to you.
Poem
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
and
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
and
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.
funeral for baby beau
it was the funeral today. god it cudnt of gone much worse i dont think. well erm il start from the start.. erm i called alex and his mum sarah to let them know so yeah they were pretty devastated (even alex cried ) so then they came down last night. and yesterday the funeral directors asked where kay wanted beua to be until the funeral and she said she wanted beau to be with her so she got her back (i didnt think that was such a good idea cos like its not fair to let her have beau, make her say goodbye, then give her back and expect her to say goodbye again)
so yeah i was right kay wudnt let go of beau all night and wudnt let anyone anywhere near her :(
and then in the night she went awol with beau and we cudnt find her anywhere she just pulled her drip out (again) and went off. so then eventually at like 10 this mornin a dr from some other dept found her n picked her up n carried her back, n she wasnt in the best state. so he just sat with her on his lap n let her cry. he was ever so gentle aswell like just talkin to her bout beau n stuff. i think she just needed to be held tbh but like she wudnt let anyone near but that was what she needed.
but then she had to give beau back and she wudnt let go at all so yeah eventually k let the dr hold her if he promised hed look after her n only him. so then he had to go to the funeral people n put her in her coffin etc.
the actual funeral was alright.. heartbreaking but yeah what did i expect. mum read some of the poems an alex did a speech and stuff.
so im back in leeds now (got a train this afternoon) and mums still with kay and sarah is aswell. its like shes all the way back to the start now with grieving for beau and stuff..
so yeah i was right kay wudnt let go of beau all night and wudnt let anyone anywhere near her :(
and then in the night she went awol with beau and we cudnt find her anywhere she just pulled her drip out (again) and went off. so then eventually at like 10 this mornin a dr from some other dept found her n picked her up n carried her back, n she wasnt in the best state. so he just sat with her on his lap n let her cry. he was ever so gentle aswell like just talkin to her bout beau n stuff. i think she just needed to be held tbh but like she wudnt let anyone near but that was what she needed.
but then she had to give beau back and she wudnt let go at all so yeah eventually k let the dr hold her if he promised hed look after her n only him. so then he had to go to the funeral people n put her in her coffin etc.
the actual funeral was alright.. heartbreaking but yeah what did i expect. mum read some of the poems an alex did a speech and stuff.
so im back in leeds now (got a train this afternoon) and mums still with kay and sarah is aswell. its like shes all the way back to the start now with grieving for beau and stuff..
Sunday, 3 August 2008
kay
kays still not better shes still on antibiotics and shes lost heaps of weight shes so skinny and weak and she didnt have much weight to lose to start with it was like all baby and fluid. and she wont really eat either.. shes still on the drip but its not much compared to a meal is it? like only the basic nutrients i think to stay alive.
blair is doing pretty good but kay wont go to see her or talk to anyone at all :(
blair is doing pretty good but kay wont go to see her or talk to anyone at all :(
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