Feeling down

Today i was moved from queen charlottes to a different hospital in london for dialisis. away from blair.. i miss her already and its not even been 24 hours. just knowing shes miles away hurts.

im on a ward now aswell so theres people had visitors and flowers and its someones birthday and there all so happy and i just want to bury my head in my covers and cry my heart out. and on top of that they took me to see nicu so that when blairs transferred there ill know what its like and things. and there were twins in there they must of been around the same age as blair is now.. and it hurts. seeing what i could have right now. but i dont. half of me wants no one to ever smile again because i feel like i wont because my little girl is gone. i cant understand how people can get on with their lives when mines so ruined.
life is so cruel sometimes.
i have no visitors, no flowers, a daughter in another hospital, a son 200 miles away.. and a daughter in heaven.its just like emfasising what i dont have.. does that make sence.. everything i dont have is being dangled before my eyes and im so insanely jelous. if i cud get out of bed id go and smash up all their stupid flowers and wipe the smiles off their faces. sounds realy mean i just cant even help it.
oh i sound such a cow now.
im surrounded by people but im so lonely. what i wudnt do to have a hug off paris, or cuddle blair.. or anyone for that matter.and my ptsd is getting worse i cant think. im hearing things and seeing things and at times i cant stop shaking and crying. i want beau back. i never knew you you miss someone you knew for so short a time so incredibly much. my heart is in little tiny pieces.
ive had 2 panic attacks since i arrived and tomorrow there putting a catheter in my neck or leg so i can have dialisis cos the fistulas not ready. so il be starting dialisis tomorrow after noon if the op to put the catheter in goes ok. which i hope it does!

Turmoil

As I watch you lie here

Sleeping,

Beautiful,

Peaceful,

I worry.

I worry you’ll blame me.

I worry you’ll blame yourself.

I worry you’ll blame God.

I worry you’ll feel half a person,

Half a soul,

Half a twin.

You were one once.

For a brief moment in time

You shared all;

You shared blood.

She courses through your veins

She is alive in you.

And in my heart:

A mother’s bliss

A mother’s sorrow

Profound joy

Profound grief

Profound turmoil.

Update on K

Shes got kidney disease and she had an op yesterday to put an av fistula into her arm for dialisis in a few weeks when shes transferred to a different hospital. the op went ok but then the drs think kay has a reaction to anasthetics cos she takes so long to come round. and then she had sumthing liek a heart attack umm a sudden left heart failure or something.. which caused her to ahve a flash pulmonary edema which means fluid builds up in her lungs so shes got oxygen tubes up her nose. they did a ultrasound of her kidneys this aft and shes got renal artery stenosis which means the artery goin to one of her kidneys is really thin so that kidneys barely working at all! and her other kidneys failing so yeah that int too good. shes waiting to have dialisis and then after that shel probably have to have a transplant :(

shes also got osteoparosis and she broke her arm in like 4 places a few days ago. so shes got a cast on one arm and had an op on the other..

blairs doing ok i think i dont know much about her or anythin but kay sed yest shes got an infection and is back on cpap cos she was getting tired of breathing on her own. and one of the nurses wudnt let kay hold her with the cast on an now idk how shes gona hold her bless her.