For Blair

I want you to get better princess. i really do. im so so sorry for everything. im sorry you dont have your big sister. im sorry i never came to see you. im sorry you were on your own.
i love you.
get better. get better. get better.
wish wish wish baby girl
love mummy xxx
ps i hear this song and thought of you and beau and it made me cry
'Stay with me, don't fall asleep too soon, the angels can wait for the moment.'
dont ever go away princess

or

or they can just do nothing and watch her very very closely for congestive heart failure and pulmonary hypertension. i dont know what to do. the dr said usually the operation doesnt have a big risk but its still a risk isnt it?
and aarghh :(
were going to be stuck in this hospital forever. nothing ever goes right
its not fair!

Blairs VSD

so the dr has just explained the options for blairs vsd because she has 3 holes and one of them is too big for them to just be left. so they want to put a pulmonary artery banding operation which will help it untill she is big and strong enough for the proper operation to close the holes. they dont think she would be strong enough to survive the operation to close the holes because she'd have to go on a heart and lung machine and shes do little its just not sensible. and then they could put a closure device or sumthing in by doing a catheterisation but theyd rather out a band in.
:'(
i dont know what to say now
my little girl is poorly yet again
why cant anything just go right for us for once!

Poor Blair

Well i was just holding blair and then she went blue because she wasnt breathing properly or something the drs not cure what went wrong but she might of just been getting tired so shes on higher oxygen now anyways and she was whisked away to have a few tests and an echo of her heart and the dr says her vsd is bigger than they first thought so there gna tell me about the op options later or tomorrow. so now shes hooked up to a load more machines and i cant hold her. she scared me so much i dont know what id do if i lost her too. maybe this was her way of saying mummy i matter too.
but other than that she was doing great. shes 3 or 4 weeks corrected now and just over 4lb. she started drinking from a bottle last week so hopefully she'll be a little fatty in no time
and other than that its been ok ish today. im incredibly bored. i sat and arranged my pills into diff patterns. ive got lush red clear ones like jewels. still dont make me wana take them though. but hey ho ive got to or theyl lock me up. what an incentive
but i can sorta feel a meltdown coming on. oh joy

Today

had a sort of teary day today. met a mum in the nicu who i had to just walk away from or id of jumped on her. cos she was going on about how terrible she had it.
after writing beaus story down ive been sort of dreamy and numb, i cant really concentrate or talk or anything. all i can do is sit and cry like a baby or just stare into the distance thinking what might have been,
i could be sat at home now, with 3-4week old twins and a 3 year old son, complaining at how much the twins kept me awake at night.
but now im just sat complaining about how they dont keep me awake and how much i would give just to be awake all night with them both.
i held blair again today though. shes slowly starting to get a few more cuddles from me, and im starting to like holding her. i like the baby weight. it helps that little bit, even if she is too heavy and the wrong baby. i can learn that this is a different baby to the one my heart aches for. but without her my heart would ache even more so id better make the most of her being little enough to cuddle and snuggle her head into my chin

Beau

http://inmemoryofbeaunicole.blogspot.com/
blog for beau nicole
please read
and leave a comment for my baby
x

Numb

I dont really know what to write atm
Im just numb really
they made me take my meds yest and today. its been a shitty day i had dialisis and a load of drugs and then a psych chat. they just talk out there ass honestly. i want to let down my defences and let someone in because otherwise il explode. but i dont know how to do it. i dont know where to start. where do you start with something like this? birth, childhood, family, pregnancy, drugs, my babys death?!

i want my little girl back. thats all i want. it still feels like jsut yesterday that she died. its getting easier to think about. but it still brings the usual wave of unbearable pain. just im ready for it. when i cry, it still feels like that first horrible cry. i can still feel her tiny body in my arms. if i look away im sure if i look back il see her. but i never do. im so proud of her. i feel so guilty though. i held her when she took her last breath and closed her eyes for the last time. and i did nothing. i let her go. i just want to curl up and die. how can i live with that weighig me down for the rest of my life?

My weekend

My weekends been pretty up and down. friday i didnt want to take my meds and i still dont and yesterday i didnt i just flicked them at people. but then everything just crashed down on my head and i forgot how horrible it can be. the tv was talking to me telling me people were aliens and going to get me when i got to sleep and hurt me and things. so i cant sleep now i cant. im just to scared. childish i know but youve not heard them. there more convincing than drs

and then today someones been whispering everything i do in my ear like a commentary. maddending. and then they forced me to take medication. and then took me to see blair but i didnt want to hold her. i didnt want to hurt her and i had a sorta feeling i might. so i made a complete stranger hold my baby. i want her to be held. and i wish it was me. but i dont want to. its hard to do something when your head is screaming not to. one thing at a time i suppose. i saw her. and i love her.

and i still cant talk. i just blurt out what im thinking so it makes no sense to anyone exept me. its hard because a lot of the time i cant tell why people are so confused. it makes perfect sence to me. and ive still got the repetition thing. its called echo.. something?

and ive got my label. eventually. ive got psychotic depression. its only not schizophrenia because i know that what is happening isnt really happening. it just is to me. but good its not schizophrenia i suppose. but psychosis is a bitch.
terrifying and maddening.
confusing and painful.

Had a bad day

firstly its rememberance day for pregnancy/infant loss. i am very grateful for people remembering but its frustrating not to be able to do something as simple as light a candle.
i miss my little girl more than anything in the world and i want everone to know how special she was and how much i did love her more than anything in the world.

and now i have another like compulsion thing.. just another fun part of mental illness i suppose. so now i can hardly talk. my words come out in the wrong order and sometimes the wrong words just come out. i just end up saying what im thinking but in the wrong order. its scary and frustrating. i can write stuff just not say it. like a mental block on talking. but if someone talks to me ill say what they just said. and it was a dialisis day so i was in a crap mood to start off with. and on top of that the fistulas not ready so got an op tomorrow to put a graft in.

blairs being transferred on friday and i just dont know what i should feel. im happy because shes getting bigger and healthier every day. but then when shes here ill have to want her and love her. and i dont know if im ready to do that. i dont know whats changed. i just have.

Poem for my baby girl

For Beau Nicole- forever in my heart

As I lay here

Broken

I would die for you

I miss you

More than anything

I would give my last breath to see you again

I ache for you

Because these arms are heavy

Like lead

They will never feel you comforting weight again

This soul is hurting

And this girl can't understand

I hate you

For leaving me behind

Here

Fighting

Where there's nothing left to live for

I am jealous

Because you have not a care in the world

You're dancing with angels

And you deserve it

I am sad

Because I will never see you play

And I will never see you laugh

So I will never smile again

But then I am happy

Because you have been spared a fight

In the deadly game of life

And most of all

I love you

And if I could trade the world for a moment

I'd choose you.

Please don't steal this poem. It was written for my little girl and it's hers and hers alone. By Annie.

Today

Does Anyone Know?
Does anyone know what today should be?
Anyone else, or is it only me?
Does anyone know how great today would have been
If you would have come now instead of then?
It seems people forget: to them it's just another day
But for me I just can't think of it that way
My heart aches and I can't stop the tears
I keep on wishing that you were still here
Others just don't understand why today I mourn
Today is a special day, the day you should have been born

I miss you so terribly baby. i hope your having a nice little party with the angels and there holding your hand.

2 days

2 days until i should be holding my beautiful baby twins for the first time
2 days
the day after tomorrow
i just cant get my head around it
beau shouldnt even be born yet but shes had 3 weeks of life and.. death. and she shouldnt be born
its like im making such a big deal out of it. but if i dont im letting my girls down. and if i keep it in my head il explode.
but then again il explode anyway
friday isnt going to be a good day
dialisis day and my babies due date
:(
cud it get much worse
i shudnt say that cos it obviously can

Today

i feel like crap.
im so horribly selfish but my head wont let me be anything else. i wish i had beau back, i want her and i want her now. and i cant have her and it hurts more than anything in the world
*sighhh*
what can i do?
nothing at all. im completely helpless

right now

yesterday i went a bit bleurgh had a bit of a manic n bit my lip and then just kept biting to see if it wud make a waterfall.. made sence at the time. not much been happening today. i made a freind -amazin for me. shes called annie and i was havin a episode goin mental cos the lights were drippin down the wall and i had the back thing (i keep feelin like theres hands just like stroking my back) agen an she was like you alright love and i screamed at her so she came over n held my hand. what a nice way to make a freind. seems a bit embarasing looking back but its all part of the fun i suppose. then she got her daughter to bring me in a tshirt sayin love my bones on it.. ironic eh? an its huge its like a dress. shes alright tho. shes like 60 odd. but way nicer than any of the nurses or the cow in the bed next to me. went a bit mental at the psychs aswell cos i didnt feel like talkin and they just went on.

and of course i miss my precious baby beau. i cant even begin to put into words how it feels. obv i miss her so much its sending me mad. its my twins due date on friday (10th) and im just all in a panic. its like i was sort of starting to not get over it but accept it but im being dragged back down again and theres nothing i can do. i am absolutely helpless. some times im normal and i can sometimes even see the nice side of life. and then other times i feel like i will never smile again and that my children are better off without me.

sometimes i want to hurt myself because i let all this happen and that a big horrible monstor is going to some and eat me. i cant stop the noise in my head though. im just living with it i suppose. but it hurts so much. atm i just want to die. i dont want my baby to have died and me got away with nothing much happening. im not dead so iv not been punished enough. i dont even no if that makes sence. ive got such a long way to go and i just want to curl up in a ball and die. i have to start eating and trying to walk if i ever want to get out of hospital and its all too much to do just to stay alive.

This is just sort of to say hi.. im around. im not online much for obv reasons. if your not sure whats going on read my blog. im not writing it all out. but yeah the dialisis is going alright. it makes me feel like shit and ive come to dread dialisis days and i always end up having meltdowns. yesterday was one of those days really. i went a bit manic because i couldnt move and it was quite scary. some days i dont even know why im scared. just one of those things i suppose

i now have my own team of psychs and were still at the chat stage because i cant seem to let them in to my head. i said i wudnt talk to them all at once so they have to take it in turns.
I thought id hit rock bottom 11 weeks ago (is it 11 weeks already! feels like yesterday still...) but obv not, they had to take me off the ward n to psychiatry cos i was scarin ppl an myself the other day. sometimes Im trapped in my own head n i cant stop crying or screaming for ages. im dosed up to my eyeballs and like bleurgh. Its nt a nice experience infact its terryfying. I just cant hack coping with everything at once

im also on the verge of being sectioned. i dont even know what im doing until iv done it and then its too late. iv got my own team of psychs. i just cant seem to be able to let them into me head. i dont know where to start. but i feel like if i dont il explode. lifes too hard. i want to get better i really do. i just cant really make myself. its like me against myself. i cant win. i just want to go home and see my baby boy and blair. i just want my life back

i still cant eat but ive got a feeding tube. ive got an oxygen tube up my nose aswell and dialisis 3 times a week for like 10 hours and im on god knows how many meds for my kidneys, heart, anti biotics, anti depressants, ive even got valium ffs. blair is still at the other hospital and i havent seen her for ages. i miss her terribly. shes 3lb 13oz now so only 3 oz till she can try feeding from a bottle. i wish she would be transfererd quick because i want to be the one to give her her 1st feed. iv missed so many firsts already and i need to feel like im her mum. at the moment im just a nobody to her really arent i. shes everything to me. i miss paris as well. i cant beleve hes 3. and i was thinking about just everything the other day and oh i started missing ricky aswell... i cant do anything without that awful feeling that part of me is missing

and of course i miss my precious baby beau. i cant even begin to put into words how it feels. obv i miss her so much its sending me mad.

some times im normal and i can sometimes even see the nice side of life. and then other times i feel like i will never smile again and that my children are better off without me. sometimes i think i want to hurt myself because i let all this happen and that a big horrible monstor is going to some and eat me. i cant stop the noise in my head though. im just living with it. welcome to planet kaylie, where everything hurts and nothings normal