Aneurism

So right i have got an aneurism. its in the abdominal aorta. the consultant came round a while ago and explained wat theyre going to do tomorrow, and ive forgotten already thank god. talk about scaring me. there going to do something like put a tube up my leg and put another tube inside the aneurism.
so yeah
il be back as soon as i can, but i duno when that will be.
wish me luck

Today

So yesterday Lily brough Paris down to visit and it was great. When he came in he like walked in with Lily and he was like "mummy!" and ran towards me. Lily brought Chloe too and i could just about hack it, i didnt hold her though, im too much of a wuss. Paris was asking lots of questions and i had to explain that mummy had 2 babies but Beau was very poorly so shes gone to heaven now and shes looking down on us all and is looking after him and Blair forever. I was crying my eyes out though so he got a upset so i had to explain that it isnt anyones fault and that Beau was just very poorly. And he asked if he was going to die because hes got a cold. Then i read him a story and he drew a picture of a house and mummy and him and Blair inside, and Beau in the sky. It was really sweet. Took a bit of imagination to see it, but it was there. I took him to see Blair today aswell and he was so cute, he held her on his knee and sat really still and straight and i got to hold them both on my knee.
My stomach is killing me. its a load of rubbish. Its like all round my back now too, and my stomach keeps moving, very strange! Im on more pain meds, urgh. The nurse sent a dr to come see me and he had a feel of my tummy and i passed out. My god that hurt. And he says i might have a aneurism!? He is going to do an ultrasound tomorrow and check me out. Ive just googled it and shiiiittttt... oh my bloody god.
Blair is doing ok, i held her again yesterday and had a cuddle, but she was sick down my front. Shes still got a bad cough though. The pediatrician has checked her out too, she has decided she wont have hardly anything in her mouth, so hes put her on iv antibiotics and listened to her chest. He thinks she might have bronchiolitis (!) but he'll see how she does on the antibiotics untill the weekend.
Paris is going home on Saturday, i dont want him to go. Im going to miss him so much more now!
And at the moment im trying to be brave while Paris is here, but it hurts so much, i keep throwing up im in so much pain, but i still have to smile otherwise it will upset him.
Im just on the edge too, like the sky is closing in on me, and im getting claustrophobic and panicky so i cant breathe properly. I wont go into my psychoticness right now because it will all come out otherwise.

Today

i went to see blair the other day and didnt hold her so she cried and then i had to go throw up cos i felt really ill and my kidneys are really hurting so wen i went back she had got so worked up she was screaming and then she threw up and her feeding tube came out so then they sorted her out again and left the tube out etc so i held her and then she just carried on crying her eyes out n arching her back and not wanting to be near me. so i was well gutted

and then this morning iv been to see her and had a cuddle and tried to get her to drink from the bottle and she had a bit :) which is progress. shes 4lb 10 though so down a bit from last time. shes got a cough as well though poor baby, it sounds horrible

Hummm

so on wednesday i was a bit on edge and not able to concentrate or keep calm so i ended up getting really panicy and claustrafobic on dialisis cos im not allowed to get up or anything so i had a panic attack. and then i just went bleurghhhhhhh and had a full on episode. not a fun time. and then when i got off dialisis i was so angry so i smashed everything up. well a vase and a few glasses and then a glass at the stupid nurse. so now im reduced to plastic cups.. and then i had to have a session with the psychs and god they never shut up. they were like if your angry then do this, scribble on a piece of paper. do i look like i want to do a fucking scribble?! so then i just wrecked a few toys in their office and then got really tired and started crying my eyes out and they were still going on at me. grrr. and then i just went back to bed and slept til like 10 yesterday morning. whoa weird having a lie in and being able to sleep through stuff. but i had nasty nightmares anyways and then when i woke up in the morning everything was jsut really intense and bright and its just taken it out of me

and then today was a bit better . had a bit of a panic cos i had dialisis today again. n then a dr came and was like do you want to do some xmas crafts in the family room afterwards and i was like no fuck off lol, but then this nurse forced me to go so i was a complete bitch to them all haha serves them right. but i made a friend anyways called maisy and shes a complete nut job too cos shes been fucked up cos of abuse and prostitution too. so i spoke to her a bit and shes at the stage were shes like really open about everything and i was like gobsmacked. i cant ever imagine being like that. and then i went to see blair and give her my xmas card that i made lol (looked like a 4 year old had done it!) but blair was being a little madam and just wailed until she had her head rammed under my chin and her hand tangled in my hair and then she fell asleep a happy bunny

so today has been average really. had dialisis today so ive been really moody and feeling ill but hey thats how it goes.
blair was 5months old yesterday :) i cant beleve it. shes so tiny. how can my little baby be 5months old?!
i got a cuddle yesterday, and saturday night and another cuddle this afternoon aw it was lovely. she was put on oxygen again sunday cos she was a bit tired and today she wasnt happy about the tubes but then she settled down and snuggled under my chin and fell asleep. it was adorable :)
its nice to see shes alive enough to care about funny smelling things on her face. and not just lying there barely moving.

last night

so last night i had quite an episode the walls were melting, i could feel hands all over me and the voices in my head were screaming. so im shattered today. and im all shakey and spaced out and weak..

blairs doing pretty good though, shes off the oxygen still. just on the feeding tube cos she cant quite cope with breathing and drinking at same time. i went to see her yesterday and didnt pick her up for ages and she started crying and wudnt stop till she was on my knee

:)

today

i bathed blair yesterday (well tried!) and i almost dropped her so got a bit tense and then i almost yanked her legs off trying to stop her slipping and then she fell anyways so i practically drowned her. poor baby. i wont be trying that again for a while. its so so stressful.. i no ive just got to get used to it.
i suppose im alright too. i feel like ive not had a moment to breathe these last few days and im in a complete panic and havent really stopped cryin.. and its dialisis tomorrow. its never ending honestly. i hate it so much :(