Voices

Whats worst? Having your child taken off you, or wondering if you never really had her as yours in the first place?
I can tell you now for free, its the second.
I could just about cope with having fairy taken off me and put in care. If i knew that for a moment she had been all mine to care for and she knew that. I love her and i carried both of the twins under my heart for 6 and a half months. Do i properly know them? Or do i just hope i do?
And beau, did i know her? I felt her and dreamed her but never properly got to know her. I will never know her favourite colour, what she would have wanted to be when she grew up, the little things that set her apart from fairy. Except that one big thing, that she has angel wings and fairy doesnt.
The voice inside my head knows the difference, and knows exactly what ive done wrong. It wont let me forget EVER. It knows i need to remember. But remembering is hurting and i cant get well when i keep pushing myself backwards.
This is so so hard, knowing exactly where i stand. It makes me angry that now i can almost see where im going wrong but still i cant change it.
It wont let me forget what they did either. Every single day i get a little reminder and im back then. Im just a little girl running barefoot on a knife edge.
All part of being who i am i suppose. And i have to move on and cope and change.