This weekend

Thursday i had dialisis and then afterwards i had a mega nosebleed and then it stopped but then later on it started again so i had to go to hospital and had it cauterised. and then i had to have a blood transfusion. friday morning they decided that if i wouldnt eat they were going to put a PEG tube in, so i had an operations friday morning to have that put in. and then got so pissed off at everything n wouldnt let them do anything with it haha gutted for them. kicked a few people. then yesterday i was the same mostly. and still really pissed off, just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fdsnlkmdskmlfdslkmfdlkmfsakmsalkmfsalkmfa fuck that stupid feeding tube. im not a baby. if i dont want to eat thats my business not theres.

Kiddies visiting

Firstly on the friday i managed to go out to tescos with kw and get a comic for paris, yay go me. And then on the saturday fairy came to visit and it was the best, i love her so much. Cant believe how long its been since i last saw her she is so big now. She was really bossy lol even tho shes teeny. And i dressed her up in a little outfit that i got her.

Then sunday both the littlies came to visit, paris was really into being a big brother. When he came, fairy was already here and he ran up and went HELLO and chattered to her and she was so scared lol. Before paris came i had some breakfast, egg and soldier and i ate the egg and fairy played with the soldier, sooo cute. And then paris had some waterbombs off karen so we went outside and played with those and went for a little walk with fairys buggy to help me along! Fairy was sucking her thumb and i went to alannah, aw look shes sucking her thumb! and paris ran over going let me look mummy, shes my little sister isnt she, she is blairy fairy :D awwwww

Monday was just paris's visit, it was really nice and he got to play with his water bombs again and get me all wet (and everyone else) but it wasnt the same without fairy so it was kinda sad too. When he had to go he was crying and shouting and all that, saying mummy your meant to want me and hitting me. Sighh.. how do i ever make that ok?

And here comes goodbye

Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I’m gonna cry
Here comes the pain,
Here comes me wishing things would never change
And she was right here in my arms tonight,
But here comes goodbye
Why does it have to go from to good to gone?
Before the lights turn on, yeah and you’re left alone
All alone, but here comes goodbye

Arms of an angel

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel “not good enough"
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless,
and maybe I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

Cooking

Yay i made a boiled egg today with keira the kw in then kitchen lol. Didnt really have to do much just put the egg in the water and get it out again after the right time. And i made soldiers but they looked yuck and didnt really fancy them.

Weigh in

35kg
Ah well

Apricots (Y)

Whaat? Today Kaylie ate 5 whole dried apricots and didnt even know what they were. But i tried them anyways. That is unheard of! Think thats about my daily meals for today. Ha just worked it out for calories- 165/3? 55 calories lmao. Try eating another billiion apricots Kay!

Went out today!

Today i had dialisis really early 6-10! and then Karen texted and made me ask my key worker to take me out with Laura so at like half 1 we went to tescos in Keiras car and what a stress. And i had to wear all clothes that were too big for me! Laura was like right ok hold my hand. So i just about managed that and we found some stickers for Paris and a colouring book and went to the baby section and found Fairy a little outfit and a hat. Its gorge.. And then Laura wanted to join in so she got Fairy some spotty socks. It all went well ish until we got back in the car and i was just like so relieved and all that lol i passed out and then my leg started really really hurt. So i got back and just went to bed again and rested and sniffed lavender to calm me down and had a shower and then ended up getting shampoo on my leg which made it hurt even more.. arghhh!

Romeo and Juliet

Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring,
And said 'Marry me Juliet you’ll never have to be alone
I love you and thats all I really know
I talked to your dad, you’ll pick out the white dress
It's a love story, baby just say yes

I so so wish

Voices

Whats worst? Having your child taken off you, or wondering if you never really had her as yours in the first place?
I can tell you now for free, its the second.
I could just about cope with having fairy taken off me and put in care. If i knew that for a moment she had been all mine to care for and she knew that. I love her and i carried both of the twins under my heart for 6 and a half months. Do i properly know them? Or do i just hope i do?
And beau, did i know her? I felt her and dreamed her but never properly got to know her. I will never know her favourite colour, what she would have wanted to be when she grew up, the little things that set her apart from fairy. Except that one big thing, that she has angel wings and fairy doesnt.
The voice inside my head knows the difference, and knows exactly what ive done wrong. It wont let me forget EVER. It knows i need to remember. But remembering is hurting and i cant get well when i keep pushing myself backwards.
This is so so hard, knowing exactly where i stand. It makes me angry that now i can almost see where im going wrong but still i cant change it.
It wont let me forget what they did either. Every single day i get a little reminder and im back then. Im just a little girl running barefoot on a knife edge.
All part of being who i am i suppose. And i have to move on and cope and change.

Not a good day

Been rather sicky and horrible. My leg hurts where i have the cath. Im on iv pain mkeds and anti emetics but cant stand the drip i want to rip it out. I shouldnt but i am so so tempted. The little voice inside my head tells me i dont need it, i can get better without it, we know better, im weak but together were stronger and we can work together. Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Today

Today was meant to be dialisis but couldnt have it because graft was taken out the other day. I had to go to hospital and this morning my arm started bleeding and wouldnt stop for ages because ive had too much anti coagulants so had to have yet more meds to sort that out. Then this afternoon had to have a catheter put in my leg so that i can have dialisis in a few days.
Atm im still really groggy and drowsy yuck im so tired and feel so awful.
Feeling shitty too cos woman in bed next to me is watching 'Madeleine was here' and god bleurgh i feel sick. Its giving me goosebumps.

FFS

ml;sdgml;sgml;sdgml;dsl;,fsopdkfspadkf

Just in such a bleurghhhhhhh mood.

Spoke to therapist and she says take baby steps.. :@

BABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPSBABYSTEPS

HOW MANY BABY STEPS DOES IT FUCKING TAKE

Infection

So last weekend my hand was really weird, completely numb and sort of grey coloured and my arm was really hurting. Was meant to have dialisis yesterday but the nurse checked site and obv saw how shitty it was looking. So dr checked it out etc and i had an op to get graft out of my arm because its infected and ive got blood clot in my arm (dr thought it was probs in graft to start with so wasnt worried but obv now found out it isnt) so im on anti coag meds, and i have got a chest infection aswell so im on anti virals for infection in my arm and anti biotics for chest infection.. I spent this morning and last night/yest in hospital and tomorrow going back because im meant to have dialisis but they need to do another op to put catheter in so i can have dialisis through that!

Paris is here

Yay my little man is here to visit. Seeing him just makes my day. I forget just how happy he makes me its crazy. When he got here i was waiting for him downstairs and he saw me and ran to me. And later on in the day we went for a bit of a walk, made a card, drew some pictures and then when it was time for him to go he got in his pjs (it was about half 7) and then i read a story and he said i read the best stories :)

I had to be supervised with him ALL the time, which was really annoying, as if i would EVER hurt him. But oh well, i wont give them the satisfaction of making me angry and proving them right. Shame hes going tonight (or tomorrow.. hopefully). Ive missed him a lot..