ive been neglecting my blog a little. ive been stepping back from the internet all together i think. ive been ill, i had an infection in my femoral line for dial, so now ive had that taken out and a new line put in. not fun at all, i was really sick and now its very sore!

i cant believe its december already, i want time to slow down now. im almost 20. TWENTY. shit. last thing i remember i was this scared little girl and now im a grown up. no one to blame for my problems, no one to pick me up and dust me off (like there ever was ha..), all just my fault, my problems. i can deal with that, whatever. i am angry, nothing is changing and im not in control, and it just feels like a huge pile of shit that they go on about taking more responsibility and all that, and then when i do try and take control i cant. slmfkmmakldgskm alkfm alskfm a. stupid. i dont wana play this game anymore. but il stop moaning cos no one wants to hear it.

fairycakes is doing well, she babbles now and is louder, in a nice way. its lovely. shes grown and its so good to see her getting back to being happier too. shes so beautiful, it still blows me away. her cutie little smile and laugh and the way she walks and gets my attention, its magical.

paris is going to leos soon boo, i dont want him to go, im gona miss him so so much, sigh. i know everyone keeps saying one day well be a family again, but it seems so untouchable, it hurts. and i wish i appreciated it when i had him all to myself and that i wasnt such a dick. i know i cant change it but still. hurts that i was so crap.

i have no idea what to get them for christmas. i hate christmas and birthday lol (same day) but i guess they deserve some magic. facebook is full of people saying what theyre getting their little ones for xmas. why cant it be simple and lovely. id rather paris got a set of colours and paints than a stupid electric toy, something they can genuinely play with and not just sit and watch. what happened to playing out and gettin mucky? paris loves it, i know in leeds they still play out, but seems like a crazy idea down here.. idk.. mollie said only the rough kids play out.. that cant be true?

so anyways, my christmas ideas are simple and nice and not gona turn my kids into monsters who want everything new in the shops and expect things for nothing. im not having a go at no one, everyone do christmas however you want, give ur kids the world, i dont care. but my kids will have it simple and love it all the same.

my ideas are colouring pencils/paints/clay/crayons/chalks and lots of fun making stuff, clothes, me and fairy gona make some cake or biscuits or something, ive got f a little baking set -an apron, mixing bowl, spoon etc, in the process of making fairycakes a handbag for her crazy play outings, me and paris are gona make our own soap and big crayons (fun and messy craft bonding time and then pretty cool products at the end), ive got fairy and dangly charm thing for her window, and paris a dress up outfit (spaceman..!). looking forward to spending time with them, though im pretty sure theyll both have just as much fun playing with the wrapping paper anyway!

i know im just grateful that they are both here still, there have been times where i have thought that fairy couldnt possibly make it this far, and she has, shes doing so well, shes been through so much, we are going to have a good run of a few weeks before the next illness i hope! and paris, my special little man, there have been times where i thought i would lose him too, and i put him through a lot too, and i challenge you to find a more resilient little boy. im such an incredibly proud mama to them both.

i will of course be missing beau, there isnt a day goes by when i dont, and i have my own little present idea for me and her together.

i think that blog post has been long enough now, and im all caught up.. ish!