L i t t l e V o i c e

2012-01-18T17:53:00.002Z

Dear babies, my sweet little ones.

Listen.

Children, when I tell you to pray, remember that even though your head may not be bowed.

Your words will always be heard.

You my sweet babies are not to be forgotten.

You are the essence of something left naïve – a lollipop unlicked,

A savory bit of flesh that no tongue so sweet could ever reach.

Listen, my children. Listen when I tell you that your lungs gasp with such magnificence.

The world may have changed direction of its orbit when you took your first and finest breaths.

Believe me, my babies. When I tell you that this world is cruel.

You may get torn up and worn down and sanded into bits of dust.

Believe me – because I know how tough it is.

Your Mama has been through the depths of hell and back.

Cultivated by malnourished hallucinations and the bitter aftertaste of a dirty disaster that leads me into a scalding shower.

Your Mama has been back and forth, between loss and hope, freedom and rejection.

Listen, sweet babies.

Listen when no on is speaking.

Because often times the silence preaches louder than the sermon.

Listen to the wind in you hands, and the snow that sleeps upon your lashes,

To the flames that bury forests and manipulates them unidentifiable.

My sweet children, listen.

Even when your cells swell from an isotope of neutron contamination,

You are my only – still and wonderful.

Your wing span may fall too short to lift you off this earth,

But listen,

My dear babies,

Because you will soar.

2011-12-28T15:08:00.000Z

So..its been xmas already, always an emotional day i think, for all angel families.. but it was my birthday too which is quite emotional too which seems weird but it is. I never had christmas or birthdays when I was little. Nobody cared but my brother. And that's fine, but then being suddenly expected to really love the day is harder than it sounds. When everyone else in the world is happy or so it seems, but to me its jst another normal day!

Well anyways, I had fairy xmas eve, and xmas day. And the day after that as alannah cudnt pick her up woo. we went to midnight mass - I had to give her a late nap lol to make sure she stayed awake but I still took her in pjs and the buggy. It was so lovely, lots of candles and singing and f loved it. She clapped and shouted Haha. And she loved all the attention she got. She's gettin so good at little words bless her :)

And then xmas morning we chilled and she opened all her knickers, well she opened some xmas eve. I washed them, ironed them and then wrapped them individually..I have never seen a more pleased child! She kept lifting her dress up to show everyone her new knickers, and shouting oooh ayy - roughly translated as turn round and look at my pants mama!!

She's doin good with petty training too, I'm such a proud mama. She went on the potty loads lol with only a few accidents. I managed to persuade her to wear a pull up at night though phew! We had mama and fairy style xmas dinner - mash and chicken but it was good enough :) she's doin good at eating too my clever girl.

She came with a pressie from alannah too, a fairy dust candle..its so gorge! Then alannah come to get her on 26th and she was so upset and didn't wana leave me :( all curled into me bless her. I no theres nothin I can do, but it breaks my heart. I can't wait til our next visit, possibly new years eve/day.

26th was cams bday too, my amazing big brothers.. miss him so much. Can't rly say anything about it that I haven't said before, that means enough. I just wish he was still here, with all my heart. The one person who knew me inside out, who knew what I needed before even I did and who wud look after me no matter what. He really was the most amazing and lovely boy iv ever known, and I was truly lucky to have him.

Now all I need is my big boy, he's at leos and its not goin well at all. Idk what he's been sayin to him but he's just ruining everythin. Paris keeps refusing to talk to me, or crying and sayin he will never see me again and I like fairy more :( breaks my heart.

Today is Karens beautiful girl kayles's birthday, so got my candle lit for her and thinkin of her special mum :) makes me sad to think there are so many angels up there, and so many people left behind missing them :( just hope that all our angels are together, waiting for us and watchin over us, having their own fun too xxx

2011-12-12T21:48:00.001Z

I got this idea from small bird studios, to imagine one perfect day if heaven gave me Beau back, for just one day. I've daydreamed these days so many times, it hasn't taken me long to write about my perfect day.

So here it is! If heaven could give me my daughter back, for just one day, i think I'd choose her to be 3. A little girl with personality, likes, dislikes and opinions, but still little enough to want cuddles and her mama. It would be a day in October, when all the leaves are orange, not too warm, and cold enough for wrapping up warm!

I'm going to have to add a few wishes to this day, I'd be healthy too and free of hospital stuff, fine with no oxygen and no dialysis, in my own house with my babies living with me too.

I'd get up early, and pop my head around their door to watch them sleeping peacefully, their little eyelids flickering. We'd get up and have breakfast, they'd insist on wearing big girl pants and dressing themselves, and I'd have a giggle at what wonderful outfits my beautiful girls had picked out. I'd help them undress again, and get them dressed into matching outfits for the first time ever. I'd wrap them all up warm, in hats and mittens and coats, and try and get them into their double buggy, but they'd resist, and we'd finally leave the house, me holding each twins hand, with Paris running ahead, excited for school, and excited that just for today, he had two sisters!

At school, the mums would tell me how adorable they looked, how lucky I was to have twins, and telling me they didn't know how I did it with two. I'd smile, and try not to think about the fact it was temporary, that tomorrow, I'd have to let her go, and know that for this perfect day, I could do anything, and I was envied.

Once Paris was at school, we'd go home and play, Fairy and Beau would play dress up, follow each other around, shouting and singing. I'd do anything they wanted, play any game, bake cakes and have messy play. We'd paint pictures, making memories as we went, knowing in the back of my mind that this time had to count.

I'd take them out to a cafe, and we'd have juice and biscuits and I'd sit with a twin on each knee, wondering at the beauty I'd created, their beating hearts again only inches from mine. Old ladies would talk baby talk to them, and I'd be the proudest mummy alive.

We'd go to the park and feed the ducks, and mid afternoon, their eyelids would droop and their legs would drag, so I'd carry one on each hip, for today I am strong enough, and their heads would rest on each shoulder, and I'd feel their breaths on each side of my neck.

When we got Paris from school, we'd go home and have tea, and I'd appreciate every precious moment. Paris would have drawn Beau pictures in school, and he'd practice his reading with a twin on each side, their little legs sticking straight out, Paris enjoying being a big brother.

I'd realise how quickly the day had gone, and try stretch it further. I'd bath my babies, not minding being splashed, letting them cover themselves in bubbles, giggling happily. At bedtime, they'd protest and insist on sleeping in the same bed, Fairy following her big sisters lead, not wanting to leave her side. I'd tuck them up in bed, and read all 3 a story, and not mind repeating it over and over. They'd choose another and I'd read it to them, gladly. I'd go tuck Paris in his own bed, and go back to the twins room and peek.

I'd go sit on Beau's bed and look at her beautiful eyelashes resting on the soft curve of her cheek, her pink lips, the whole of her, perfect, warm, breathing, alive. I'd whisper how much I love her, and stroke her hair, and say goodbye again, just for a little while.

2011-12-01T17:08:00.001Z

ive been neglecting my blog a little. ive been stepping back from the internet all together i think. ive been ill, i had an infection in my femoral line for dial, so now ive had that taken out and a new line put in. not fun at all, i was really sick and now its very sore!

i cant believe its december already, i want time to slow down now. im almost 20. TWENTY. shit. last thing i remember i was this scared little girl and now im a grown up. no one to blame for my problems, no one to pick me up and dust me off (like there ever was ha..), all just my fault, my problems. i can deal with that, whatever. i am angry, nothing is changing and im not in control, and it just feels like a huge pile of shit that they go on about taking more responsibility and all that, and then when i do try and take control i cant. slmfkmmakldgskm alkfm alskfm a. stupid. i dont wana play this game anymore. but il stop moaning cos no one wants to hear it.

fairycakes is doing well, she babbles now and is louder, in a nice way. its lovely. shes grown and its so good to see her getting back to being happier too. shes so beautiful, it still blows me away. her cutie little smile and laugh and the way she walks and gets my attention, its magical.

paris is going to leos soon boo, i dont want him to go, im gona miss him so so much, sigh. i know everyone keeps saying one day well be a family again, but it seems so untouchable, it hurts. and i wish i appreciated it when i had him all to myself and that i wasnt such a dick. i know i cant change it but still. hurts that i was so crap.

i have no idea what to get them for christmas. i hate christmas and birthday lol (same day) but i guess they deserve some magic. facebook is full of people saying what theyre getting their little ones for xmas. why cant it be simple and lovely. id rather paris got a set of colours and paints than a stupid electric toy, something they can genuinely play with and not just sit and watch. what happened to playing out and gettin mucky? paris loves it, i know in leeds they still play out, but seems like a crazy idea down here.. idk.. mollie said only the rough kids play out.. that cant be true?

so anyways, my christmas ideas are simple and nice and not gona turn my kids into monsters who want everything new in the shops and expect things for nothing. im not having a go at no one, everyone do christmas however you want, give ur kids the world, i dont care. but my kids will have it simple and love it all the same.

my ideas are colouring pencils/paints/clay/crayons/chalks and lots of fun making stuff, clothes, me and fairy gona make some cake or biscuits or something, ive got f a little baking set -an apron, mixing bowl, spoon etc, in the process of making fairycakes a handbag for her crazy play outings, me and paris are gona make our own soap and big crayons (fun and messy craft bonding time and then pretty cool products at the end), ive got fairy and dangly charm thing for her window, and paris a dress up outfit (spaceman..!). looking forward to spending time with them, though im pretty sure theyll both have just as much fun playing with the wrapping paper anyway!

i know im just grateful that they are both here still, there have been times where i have thought that fairy couldnt possibly make it this far, and she has, shes doing so well, shes been through so much, we are going to have a good run of a few weeks before the next illness i hope! and paris, my special little man, there have been times where i thought i would lose him too, and i put him through a lot too, and i challenge you to find a more resilient little boy. im such an incredibly proud mama to them both.

i will of course be missing beau, there isnt a day goes by when i dont, and i have my own little present idea for me and her together.

i think that blog post has been long enough now, and im all caught up.. ish!

2011-11-18T00:37:00.001Z

feelin a bit :( atm.. just feel so down and that nothin is working out right now. i no its great claire is goin to germany. its great an i am rly happy for her. just upset that paris is movin back to leeds so far away and that i dont no whats going on with me right now. i want to b in control, but reality is i cant.. i cant do it.. im too weak.. too ill..

i wish i just knew too.. suspense is horrible :(

idk.. il write more when i can be bothered n im in the right mood

Beau

2011-11-18T00:35:00.001Z

If I were here, what would I say?

Yes it is true that I never got to see all that this world holds.
The flowers, the trees, grass - or a bright sunny day.
Not even the smiling faces of my loving family.
But in my heart I have seen all of these things, even in my short time.

It is also true that I never got to feel the many things that you take for granted ...
The heat on my face on a hot summer's day,
Finger paints and crayons I will never hold in my hands.
But I did feel the loving arms of my Mummy and Daddy cradling me gently.

I never got to hear all the sounds that make most hearts sing,
The laughter of a loved one, or the sweet song of a bird,
Songs on the radio and the words "I love you" are to me a mystery.
But the soft touch of my Mummy and Daddy's hands shouts to me all of this and more.

I will never know the joy of running through a field of flowers,
Never will I roll down the side of a hill, too dizzy to stand.
Hide and seek, tag and catching ball I will have missed,
But in my mind I will do all of these things and more.

You all may see it as me missing out on all these things by leaving you so soon,
But where I am going I will do, see and hear everything you do and more.
I will only think of good things - for in my short existence that is all I have known.
So don't cry for me, I will do all that you have wished for me and more.

One thing I want you to hold on to is that I have not known how to hate, how to feel jealous, or anguish or any of those emotions that can eat away at your soul.
My soul is set free with only one feeling - for in my short time here with you I only knew love.
And that is what I take with me now.

2011-11-13T00:17:00.001Z

ive not been too good posting recenty, iv had quite a lot going on, f has had a chest infection, liars getting to me and freaking me out (hence the swift deletion of blog title, now youll have to ask to see my photos on facebook.. ) just all too freaky for me, just really got to me. scary. so um not much else..

oh yeah, claire is moving to germany, so now paris needs a palce to live, my key worker is speaking to social services to see what im allowed and all that crap.. and ive asked to be moved, iv decided that i hate it here and i dont want to be in crawley anymore. my house is nice, my housemates are nice, but at the end of the day this isnt where i want to live, nothing is making me want to live here, and its time i started lookin out for number one and trying to get what i want in life.

which maybe means social services finding new foster parents for fairy (i know, cruel mummy, not good for her blablabla..) dont worry, i will be considering it seriously and know what it will do to affect her. at the end of the day though, she is 3, i will always always always be there for her, and she will settle eventually wherever she is.

lots to think about anyways.. and i honestly dont know what to do, but this is a time of change for us all right now so it can only be good.. ish..

2011-11-13T00:11:00.000Z

2011-11-07T00:32:00.003Z

i was talking to someone about beau today.. and i just realised how long its been since i saw beau, since i cuddled her, since i kissed her goodbye and held her hand. sucha tiny little person, but she has had such a huge effect on my life.
am i letting it define me? i know i talk about her all the time on here, but this is a blog about my thoughts, and she is never ever far from my thoughts
a lot that happens to me, does revolve around her. how i am right now, i am quite selfish, because i need to be, i need to look out for me, and my babies and no room for anyone else right now..
but who gives a fuck really..
this is my blog, my thoughts, my life and its all about me
ill do a proper update eventually..
nanite xxxx

2011-10-28T00:30:00.000+01:00

just suddenly got rly rly angry.. im so upset n not even sure why. i was lookin at another angel mummys pics and graphics etc.. and one just jumped out at me. im so so angry.. its not fair.. i feel like a toddler. i want to stamp my feet and scream and scream. im so jealous.. i am bad for being jealous.. im jealous of people who go down the shops without stupid oxygen, im jealous of god damn everyone :'(
its not fair

and i no life isnt fairy blablabla.. but sometimes it hurts and this is where im gona say it.cos its hurting now. i just want my babies.. i wish i had my twins together.. even once in my life when they werent in my tummy. ill always be a mummy of twins and theyll forever be together and part of each other. but i dreamed there hole lives.. i dreamed of dressin them in matchin outfits, havin double trouble, buying two of everything. and now i dont, i cant, i barely get to buy stuff for fairy.

the big stuff im learning to deal with, not ever using my twin pram as a twin pram, always having to use it as a single :( having twin sleepsuits boxed up, matching carseats unused, only one ever strapped in the car. but sometimes, it hits me, and i can barely breath right now, i cant stop sobbing. no one will ever say to me 'hey, your the twins mum' 'whats it like with twins' 'how do you tell them apart'.. im so incredibly insanely jealous of anyone who gets to experience that.

i want a cuddle
i want a mum
i want to feel safe
most of all, i just want my babies
and thats too much to ask for
i want to feel special as a mummy of twins :'(

2011-10-22T23:41:00.001+01:00

I'm sat watching my little boy sleep. This is probably gona be a really soppy post lol cos I'm in one of those moods. I've had Paris with me all day, we've made paper hats, been to the park, played outside, had bathtime, made popcorn, watches a dvd and had snuggles. It feels like one of the most normal days I've had in so so so long! Paris has loved it and I definitely have!

I'm so knackered now though haha I can't keep up with a 6 year old, and he's crashed already.

I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have this little boy as my son. He's happy and easy going, doesn't expect anything from you. He is just as happy playing with dirt and water, or paper and scissors as he is with any nintendo or whatever. He doesn't have one, but he plays xbox at claires and loves it, but doesn't think its the best game ever. He still appreciates the basics, as do I, and I'm proud of him for sticking to that lovely little frame of mind he has.

I love that he still gets excited over little things. Alannah is bringing fairy tomorrow if all is well, and Paris can't wait! He has asked so many questions today its unbelievable! 'Is fairy big now?' 'Is fairy bigger than me?' 'Will fairy like me?' 'Does fairy want to play with me?' Yes Paris, your little sister will live playing with you. I can't wait to see them both together, my 2 precious babies..

Every second I waste is more than I can take

2011-10-21T16:13:00.001+01:00

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

2011-10-21T10:46:00.001+01:00

this is your name being sent up to heaven on tiny angel wings's balloon.. i hope you caught it and saw it :) love mama xxxxxxxxxx

2011-10-21T10:45:00.000+01:00

your name on the wave of light list.. i think this may be the boys list.. but it doesnt matter chicky, your name is still there, and i like blue anyway! xxxx

2011-10-20T22:39:00.002+01:00

heres a daisy for daisy-may..
i didnt realise it had been so long
when can your special day be hey
to be honest, i still imagine you as a tiny helpless little baby
ill try not to now, youre a big girl, and so is beau! your not teeny tiny little things any more.
that breaks my heart more than you could ever know..
:'(
xxxxxxxxxxx

2011-10-20T22:38:00.000+01:00

This is my 300th post!

2011-10-20T22:37:00.001+01:00

id like to think my babygirl is snuggled up to an angel right now. i always imagine her snuggled up to her auntie daisy, who would be 11/12 now (wow.. 12.. D: not the little baby i remember)
but any angel would do
xxxxxxxxxxxx

2011-10-20T01:30:00.001+01:00

look what emma made you beau :) mama helped her download photoshop :D
loveeeee u xxxxxxx

2011-10-19T22:08:00.000+01:00

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke.

It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result.

It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see.

It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket.

It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 6-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when he asks you why.

It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss.

It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one bit easier to bear.

My daughter would have been 3 years and 3 months old this month. I never had, and never will have, the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos.

I wont get to see her walk down the aisle, or meet the grandchildren she may of had.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence!

2011-10-18T19:36:00.001+01:00

duno if ive mentioned, but october 15th was infant loss awareness (really, kay, you havent mentioned, your blog has been lackin in infant loss awareness! :P)
and i posted a candle that elizabeth lit for beau
and slowly i will start putting other pics on that people did for my special princess beau

so this is what my friend emma did, in memory of her little man aaron, and in rememberance of our little angels. she wrote all their names on a lantern, and sent it up for heaven. i think heaven must have been full of lovely lanterns and candlelight that night, and the wave of light must have looked pretty special from above.

so thank you emma xxxxxx

2011-10-18T01:48:00.002+01:00

ive just seen a comment on beaus blog, my dear beau blog, and im so mad at myself for missing it. its from a mummy who lost her angels too, and she found my blog one night, and read every single thing on it, everything, from being pregnant, to losing my baby, fairys fight, my fight.. and it inspired her to write her own, and helped her through her night.

im so proud to have touched someones life in some small way.

i dont know how ive become this person i am now, how i have got through all this, and still survive. it shakes me up reading back through my blog. i was such a scared broken little girl, and i was just a baby myself when i lost beau.. too much for one girl to cope with, and i didnt cope, but im still here. after everything. im here.

for that angel mummy, i hope you find me again :) xxxxx

2011-10-18T00:59:00.000+01:00

i saw princess fairycakes today, it was really lovely, we had lots of lovely cuddles and did some special painting. we did painting with ice cubes in the sensory table, what an amazing idea mama! it was very messy, and i think it might have been fairys first time touching ice bless her so she was a bit scared/puzzled by the cold lol. and she did cry at grabbing it the first time. what a shock for her!

i thoroughly recommend it for any mummys reading, get a box, and paper, put some paint on the paper (really like a small pea size blob) and give babyan ice cube to go wild with! the paper gets a bit wet, but it dries off easily enough lol. and then when one paint blob is nicely mashed into the paper, get started on mixing in another colour so baby is left with a lovely brown picture. i think i might leave out the last green blob next time!

2011-10-18T00:52:00.000+01:00

i made this from my precious girls little footprints. i know its mid october now, and so sort of passed babyloss awareness week/day/month whatever, but if anyone wants one feel free to message with your angels footprints and name and i shall do it asap.

i know it is important to promote babyloss awareness all year, after all, we lose our babies all year sadly :(

20,000 views!

2011-10-17T01:15:00.001+01:00

lol last few numbers of my stats
i dont know how to speak chinese, russian, ukraine or indian, but hello to the few random views i got from youu!

China                                    98
Russia                                   84
India                                     82
Ukraine                                 77

2011-10-17T01:11:00.001+01:00

scrap that..
i have a lot of angel mummy friends now, and its so sad to see that there are so many angels, and so so many people they have left behind hurting. some so recently, and some so long ago but we are all travelling the same path, we are all so heartbroken, so let down, so empty armed. they say that time heals, and so far, i can say that so far, time has not healed this hole in my life, it has just made me better at coping with it,when i think of my baby, i feel the same confusion and pain as i felt the moment i knew she was going to die. she is and always will be my baby, so why would that ever hurt any less that she isnt here?

i see some mummies who cope with it so well, who have more good days than bad days, and i compare myself to them in my grieving, who wouldnt. i know that every single child was different and that we all formed different bonds with our angels.. but it doesnt stop me wishing that i was one of those people who has more good days that bad, and at that point in my life was so good at coping.. i know, when i lost beau, every movement, every breath, every thought just revolved around her, and my life without her. there was nothing anyone could say that would make me smile, and it was like that for a long time.

im proud of all the angel mummies who can smile already, who could find it in themselves somewhere to smile. i am lucky to have had the mhu, or id have gone right off the rails. does that make me weak? or does it make me vulnerable? scared? i was completely broken, thats all i know. and to smile dioesnt mean that our babies are forgotten, it means they are remembered.

2011-10-17T01:03:00.001+01:00

so tired lol but cant sleep, im going to see my princess fairycakes tomorrow, so lots of big mouth movements and signing coming right up, i WILL get her speaking!

paris is coming next weekend for hopefully a SLEEPOVER omigosh i know first night with mummy for 3 years now? how has my little man coped, hes one of the bravest and most resilient little boys i have ever known, and im so so proud of him.

and then maybe, if he stays then alannah will being fairy and they can have a proper day together like brother and sister in all the cuteness that they are :) i dont think ive had a proper lovely day with them both since fairy was about 1 and we went for a walk at mhu and paris played with lots of water and got us really wet.. i miss them so much, i miss what they should of had, and it makes me sad

i had dial yest, and it was the usual bunch of funtimes.. i am gona try and crochet more. i already act like an old woman so why not complete the picture..

anyways, i think its prob time for my bed now
xxx

2011-10-17T00:24:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was infant loss awareness day, and wave of light.
I had my candle lit for all our beautiful angels, and I will upload pics asap..
And the beautiful candles lit for my angel by others..
To get me started, this was lit for my beautiful Beau, by Elizabeth

Give me your hand and i'll hold it x

2011-10-16T13:55:00.003+01:00

God knows what is hiding in that weak and drunken heart
I guess you kissed the girls and made them cry
those Hardfaced Queens of misadventure
God knows what is hiding in those weak and sunken eyes
a Fiery throng of muted angels
Giving love and getting nothing back

People help the people
And if your homesick, give me your hand and i'll hold it
People help the people
And nothing will drag you down
Oh and if I had a brain, Oh and if I had a brain
i'd be cold as a stone and rich as the fool
That turned, all those good hearts away

God knows what is hiding, in that world of little consequence
Behind the tears, inside the lies
A thousand slowly dying sunsets
God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts
I guess the loneliness came knocking
No on needs to be alone, oh save me

People help the people
And if your homesick, give me your hand and i'll hold it
People help the people
Nothing will drag you down
Oh and if I had a brain, Oh and if I had a brain
I'd be cold as a stone and rich as the fool
That turned, all those good hearts away

People help the people
And if your homesick, give me your hand and I'll hold it
People help the people
Nothing will drag you down
Oh and if I had a brain, Oh and if I had a brain
I'd be cold as a stone and rich as the fool
That turned, all those good hearts away

2011-10-15T12:45:00.001+01:00

I need to know there is heaven.
A place where my darling daughter is eternally safe.
A place where there is no darkness and no fear.
A place where she will never be alone or without a hand to hold.
A place where pain has no place and a smile lasts for all time.
A place where she can wait for me.
A place where we can meet again.
My broken heart needs this comfort.

But if there is heaven, then surely there must be God.
A God who has taken my precious girl and has taken my indifferent heart and turned it into a vengeful and bitter soul.
I will burn down his houses and slander his name; I will not accept his word and will curse those who do.
If he and I should ever meet, ask me not to embrace him, for I shall be armed.
If he tries to seek me out or ever sees me walking his way, he should step aside, let me pass and hang his head in shame.
No words of comfort will ever be enough for me to be what I once was.
He has taken that also.
There cannot be a God.
But, I need to know there is heaven...?

2011-10-15T01:43:00.001+01:00

today is babyloss awareness day
i think ive been away from the blog for a few reasons.. just bit tired and my chest isnt too good at the
moment, and now ive been using td a bit more and making more graphics for peoples angels :)
really missing beau
and this babyloss awareness stuff really brings it all back, and it was the twins due date on monday
too which was really emotional..
having a twin in heaven and a twin right here is so hard
im very lucky
but its very sad too

my forever baby
my rainbow baby
theyll be twins forever
xxxxxxxx

2011-10-15T01:33:00.001+01:00

''Ive just been shown a little blue line on a little white stick,
explains why my other half has been feeling so sick.
We are off to the doctors to see how tiny you are,
cant wait to be a Daddy and meet my little star.''

A little star you have gone to be, too early you've left us, your mummy and me.
I'm still a daddy for your life had begun,
and although it has ended your memory lives on.

''Today we went and saw you,
a little blob on the screen,
Even as I sat there,
I swear I saw you waving at me.

Even more excited,
though not much I can do,
as I sit around and wait,
for the arrival of you.

Every thing is too early,
is what they keep saying,
but I want to start everything,
and stop the delaying''

Mummy started bleeding,
and we watched in despair,
as the doctor told us gravely,
that you were no longer there.

Where you were waving,
is an empty, dark hole,
must be how my heart looks,
as it is no longer whole.

I wipe Mummys tears Daddy will be strong,
for I am the one that everyone rely on.
I'm still your Daddy for your life had begun,
and although it has ended your memory lives on.

''Mummy is huge now,
I love to feel you kicking,
though you seem to stop when I come along,
Mummy says it is you tricking.

Already a little monkey,
I cant wait til you arrive,
but I'm keeping on my sensible head,
whilst we watch you grow and thrive.

Mummy has gone crazy,
with my ever empty wallet,
buying you everything in sight,
but youre worth going into debt.

Plans are being made now,
for the time is getting nearer,
for our little princess to arrive,
or our next Alan Shearer.''

You came much too early,
there was no way to make you stay,
and now your a tiny bundle,
but in heaven is where you play.

Your tiny little features,
make tears fall down my face,
I've never seen anything so perfect,
but so perfectly out of place.

You should not be here yet sunshine,
I cry as I hold your hand,
why my perfect little baby,
I'll never understand.

I am still your Daddy,
for your life had just begun,
and although it has ended,
your memory will always live on.

''Mummy looks uncomfortable,
I seem to be getting in her way,
don't fret little one,
she isn't like this everyday.

We will soon have back happy Mummy,
especially when your here,
there not much I can do to make it better,
so I must just persevere.

We saw you again,
a little bundle on the screen,
again I shouted
''look baby is waving at me''

I could see your beautiful face,
even your Mummy shaped nose,
We watched as you started dancing,
on your little tippie toes.''

Tiny little sunshine,
why did you come too soon,
they tried to keep your heart beating,
and put you in a man made cocoon.

Machines and wires around you,
I could hardly see you at all,
I watched you fight through plastic,
but they wrapped you in a shawl.

They passed you into my arms,
too weak to fight another day,
we held you as you took your last breath,
and angels took you away.

Im still your Daddy,
but your life was cut too short,
we shall tell everyone of our brave baby,
and how to live, you fought.

How in the end we held you tightly,
as your life had just begun,
and although it has ended,
your memory in us lives on.

''Any day now we are waiting very patiently,
months have passed
the time has come,
to announce the birth of our precious baby.

Mums gone cleaning crazy,
although I'm not going to moan,
people say I should make her rest,
but she is best just left alone.

As usual I feel useless,
but ive got my hidden uses,
as i drive her about as she cant fit,
or tie up her shoe laces.

Everything is ready,
for us to bring you home,
from the wallpaper on your bedroom walls,
to the monitor by the phone.

Your pram is waiting for walks out,
the steriliser is waiting to clean,
your baby mobile is waiting to play.
and send you land of dreams.

The family are all waiting by phones,
for me to call and say your here,
in fact just hurry up sunshine,
there is nothing for you to fear.

Mummy will do the hard work,
then I can look after you two,
it will be my time to shine,
and show you what daddy can do.''

Id never heard such silence,
as you came into the room,
Id imagined youd have came out screaming,
as we took you from the womb.

This was the worst quietness,
no babies tears were to be heard,
and although the doctor looked at us sadly,
he did not need to say a word.

Your Mummy started screaming,
the nurse held her hand as she said,
''Im sorry to have to tell you,
your baby has been born dead''

They passed you to your Mummy,
and placed you in her arms,
again I felt so useless,
it was my job to protect you from harm.

I never knew what heartbreak was,
until that very day,
and I don't think my heart will fix,
or ever be whole again.

Just perfect in every ounce of you,
your lips as red as a rose,
I kiss you on your cheek,
and kiss you on your Mummy shaped nose.

We dress you and act as if your coming home,
but this is just a short little treat,
soon we will have to leave you here,
and take prints of your hands and feet.

Ive rang the waiting family,
and what devastating news to tell,
I said ''we've had a precious baby,
but our baby has been born an angel''

As I leave the hospital,
I cuddle you very near,
I turn away so we are alone,
and whisper in your ear,

"Don't forget I am your Daddy,
I loved you from the start,
and I shall keep a bit of you with me always,
inside of my broken heart''

''Bringing you home has been hectic,
everyone had come to have a glance,
I just want some father and baby time,
but I hardly get the chance.

Nanny has become the big boss,
and Grandpa took me for a beer,
gifts have come in by the bucket load,
everyone is full of cheer.

Your adorable and just so prefect,
although you just sleep a lot,
I wonder what you'll be in the future,
will you have children or not.

I smile when you yawn,
I laugh when you wrinkle your nose,
Ive studied every bit of you,
from that little bit of hair to your toes.

You smell of everything wonderful,
apart from when your face go red,
then I still smile as I change your tiny nappy,
I smile when I get you ready for bed.

You've brought pure happiness to everyone,
your so loved it is just untrue,
I cant wait to see what our future holds,
all I know it is all with you.''

We thought you were sleeping,
maybe you'd slept in,
but the screaming sure awoke me,
it had come from deep within.

The paramedics tried to save you,
we prayed like we never had that day,
but in the night as we had been sleeping,
the Angels had taken you away.

Police asked me questions,
did they think this was down to me?
Guilt ate at me as I wondered,
is there something I did not see?

Lots of tears have fallen,
lots of angry words have been said,
why did the Angels have to pick you,
could they not have kept you safe instead?

What did we do to deserve this?
How can everything turn around?
from laughter and pure happiness,
now only tears can be found.

I am forever your Daddy,
my child forever you are,
although your no longer with us,
your always the brightest star.

I am forever a daddy,
this will never change,
no matter when you left us,
your memory shall remain.

C.Marritt

2011-10-02T19:20:00.001+01:00

Been to see fairy a few times this week :) its been nice, shes doing ok too tho not eating still just bottles, and getting more confident with walkin too. I was sposed to see her today but had to have dialysis :( bein prepared for transplant too eek gona have it in 6m ish agh so scared shitless lol. Got so much to do before tho.Was ps bday too..agh I'm so old lol a mum to a 6y old!!!Missing beau so much atm..coming up to their dye date soon and its babyloss awareness month too :/ all just making me miss her so much more

2011-09-20T20:02:00.001+01:00

strugglin at the moment. duno why really..kinda feel like im not supposed to be hereits been a whole year since i nearly died..i duno what to write rite now.. nothing matters

2011-09-16T22:35:00.001+01:00

i saw fairycakes today, we had a nice cuddle and a bottle and refused yogurt lolive made some more pics for maisy and other angels:)not sure what i wana say.. my mind is blank!been lookgin for a poem.. the one about i need to know there is a heaven onei duno where i psoted it :(

2011-09-15T23:21:00.002+01:00

everytime i go to write this i look at this blank page n think gosh im tired ill do it tomorrow! but hey.. here now.. didnt get to see paris and fairy the other day when i was supposed to.. i was so gutted :(had dial this morning, it was soo boring, and then i went to the opticians and ive got glasses waahhh.. i look so silly! i only need them when im readin n on laptop but agh they feel so stupid lol.made loads of pics for people.. :D so proud i can do stuff like that for peopleerm not sure what else!going to see princess tmoro lol so sure il update after that!

2011-09-14T21:32:00.001+01:00

2011-09-13T22:50:00.000+01:00

hey blog
gona write to you instead cos it seems to be the way forward atm. so its gettin near paris's bday now eek i duno how ive got so old lol i remember lookin at his lil face, and thinkin woah when hes 5 ill b 18, and now im nearly 20 and hes 6.. its honestly so mindblowing.

i got his pressie today, i got him a lil bmx bike.. gona have to teach him to ride without stabilisers but naomi says brandon learnt in about 4 days and it was his bday today so fingers crossed my lil man will manage it too. but.. it came self assembly hahahahaha.. if you wana see something funny, you wana see me trying to build a bike! gona have to go to the shop and get them to do it. im not a born bike builder!

and ive made beau a new pic, and i made one for kayles, yvonnes billy, katies billy and ashlee. it makes me so happy to do something for other people and for their angels ah. and im learning to actually make them nicely not that crap i did before!

seeing fairycakes tomorrow and hopefully aaron is gona bring paris too so it will actually be my whole family all together. really looking forward to it.. hoping fairycakes will be having a good day so we can go for a walk too. just me and my babies.

i went to ballet monday too.. not been for a while but it was so good, my muscles are building up yay.. its all them ham sanwiches lol an egg buildin it up! so im not completely crap. my ballet teacher says i shud try an do other exercise to build it up like swimmin.. eek.. maybe huh..

To my little chicky, heres a poem for you

2011-09-12T00:26:00.000+01:00

For my lovely Beau, my little fighter

Oh precious tiny sweet little one, you will always be to me,
So perfect, pure and innocent just as you were meant to be.
I dreamed of you and of your life and all that it would be,
I waited and longed for you to come and join our family.
I never had the chance to play, to laugh to rock to wiggle,
I long to hold you, touch you now and listen to you giggle.
I will always be your mother, he'll always be your dad,
You will always be my child, the child that I had.
But now you're gone...but yet you're here,
I'll sense you everywhere,
You are my sorrow and my joy, there's love in every tear.
Just know my love goes deep and strong,
I'll forget you never.

The child I had, but never had and yet I'll have forever

Love you always Beau
More than you can ever know
Love Mama xxxxxxxxxxx

2011-09-11T20:05:00.002+01:00

sooo its 9/11 (or 11/9 mate)
this post isnt gona be your usual thing youve seen today everyone goin on about how awful it is and having silences. it is very sad, its tragic, it was symbolic and a lot of people died. a lot of kids are orphans now, a lot of parents are now single parents, a lot of people lost friends.
but people die everyday.
did you know there have been ATLEAST 33 times as many iraqi civilians die? if not more. thats very sad too, and many many more children have been left orphans, and there there isnt all the nice people to pick up the pieces. a lot of people have lost friends too. where is there day of rememberance?
because it happened in such a short amount of time, in such a symbolic place. dont get me wrong, its very sad, and every single person deserves to be remembered.
but no, i cant tell you where i was when it happened, i dont give a shit where i was. i had my own problems. i was 9 years old and dealing things way beyond what i was supposed to be. i was probably up to my eyeballs on drugs. my baby sis had recently been killed. i dont think i new that it had happened for a long time. and tbh i didnt care.

to beau

2011-09-11T02:36:00.000+01:00

duno wer this is all comin from chicky.. just feel so broken an useless

i was ment to bring you into the world..

beau when you were born i didnt get to see you for so long i was so poorly an then when i did see you you were so tiny and perfect i was blown away.. no need for you to stay on earth you were perfect enough for heaven.. thats true beauty and i made that i made you

but i just wish you were here

i got your blanket out to smell and it still smells of you.. its fading now though.. its been so long since ive actually seen your face.i no il neva forget your face or your little toes or any of the memoreies ive got of you. its just been so so long :( i just ache to hold you all wrapped in your blanket again.. back when you were mine to hold and kiss and cuddle.

i bathed you and dressed you so gently when we said goodbye :( it was so pretty a little pink sleepsuit..it was huge on you though, but you looked so so gorgeous! you looked like you were just sleeping

and then i had you all night to watch over and kiss and i ijust wanted to touch you cos you were real and lovely but you were already gone you had your wings already

and fairy was still fighting for her life but it threw me chicky..i can honestly say its one of the worst things thats ever happened to me.. just you were there one minute.. i was gona be your mama, and a mama to twins and i was so so excited and then when i woke up i had to say hello and goodbye at the same time. it was so wrong :(

i miss you so much beau
more than you can imagine
and it breaks my heart you arent here now and we only get to see you in our dreams
but believe me those dreams are so treasured

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2011-09-10T22:13:00.002+01:00

new graphic that claire made me from td

2011-09-10T22:11:00.002+01:00

pahahaa

before i post anything else.. looked at my stats.. i got 53 hits today at 3am lol, from russia, brazil and alaska. right. makes sense :/ this is some multicultural shiiiit am posting!

so today been to see fairycakes.. she was ok ish she had a bottle wish me but wudnt have no porridge or anythin n wudnt touch owt in her sensory table so guess well just have to keep goin keep trying :( the dietician she saw today was filling in for her usual one and has said to alannah if she doesnt up her milk intake or start eating food they would recommend to take the ng tube out cos that wil be stoppin her eating and just let her be hungry til she eats. and she said worst that can happen is she will get dehydrated and get put on a drip n shel learn its not ok to not eat. i think thats a pile of complete and utter shit how can she suggest that, one she didnt see f last year when she refused to eat for weeks and was put on the ng in the first place, and two being put back in hospital again wud rly set her back yet again. follow up appts are bad enough! seems really stupid to me. hopefully she will never see this woman again.

i gave her the lamby i made though! its in her pram lol sure its ready to be thrown about like she does!

really missing beau today.. just really really miss her n wish she was still here so badly. her and fairy shud b growin up together :( it shud have been such a special time and they havent got it :( i know theyll always be sisters, always and that bond can never be broken. its just not fair :(

2011-09-10T01:14:00.002+01:00

not sure if fairy officially falls into the rainbow baby category, but i think to me she is very much my rainbow baby..
my little rainbow after the storm..

2011-09-10T01:14:00.001+01:00

grrr got so upset earlier i had dial n was talkin to this woman n she said sumat about losin her daughter so i said i lost my babygirl too she was prem etc and then she come out with some pile of fucking wank. i said that the twins were born at 26weeks n she said it was awful that kids were so prem n suvived with loads of probs they shud all b left to die at birth cos it wasnt fair life at all costs.
what a fucking dickhead :'( was so upset
i dont get how people can even say something like that, to say my daughter wud of been better of left to die at birth makes me feel sick. shes my little bit of sunshine id b nothing without her n im so so grateful shes here and that she has fought and survived. she is ill but she wudnt be better off dead :(

2011-09-09T15:53:00.000+01:00

oh the lovely thingsthis blog is lovelyand has some nice ideashere

2011-09-08T21:50:00.001+01:00

ahhh heres my finished lamby.. cant believe iv done it, only took me 2 days solid haha
for my lil princess fairycakes, hope she likes it :D

2011-09-08T15:56:00.000+01:00

another cool thing ive foundscribbles

2011-09-07T21:46:00.000+01:00

oh yea heres my lamby so far.. im soo proud of it haha :D just gota stuff and do legs and put it all together :)

2011-09-07T15:55:00.000+01:00

look at this (this is my attempt at makin my blog a bit more cheerful between moans and piles of crap that i get to call feelings)but this is cool huh, just gota blow on the mic and it knows, or tilt the screen!bouncy balls

2011-09-07T14:18:00.000+01:00

Sunny days seem to hurt the most, I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face, I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Sunny days seem to hurt the most, I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday

2011-09-06T15:42:00.000+01:00

so who knows how to crochet?an can teach me, or give me loads of instructions..i want this lamb, its super cute and fairycakes would love it, tho id like to make it myself and it looks goddam impossible!this little lamb here

2011-09-06T12:07:00.002+01:00

its ok if all you do is breathe..
breathin is still quite an achievement

2011-09-06T12:05:00.000+01:00

again psotsecret
:'(

2011-09-06T12:04:00.000+01:00

oh postsecret again lol
its addictive
i need an iphone to get the app :'(

2011-09-06T12:03:00.000+01:00

ive bin puuting this off for ages, this stupid update, not feeling it lol so sorry if its crap. not had a great week emotionally and just feel tired and ill.

last monday f had her first psychologist session, an in total she had 3 last week, i thought they were gona do really good stuff with her and sort her out, but so far they seem crap. i went to see her on sunday, she just seems weird. not herself at all. shes just so, agh i cant even explain. we sat in the garden in the sun and i had a cuppa cham tea, and she finally finally first time in weeks i think shes been happy about it, finally let me cuddle her, so she had a snuggle and curled up like a little baby and she had a bottle of baby formula too. its not enough for her to grow or anything, she still has an ng tube, but its a lot of progress i think! half of me thinks she should maybe be in hosp, she cant eat this little and just it be ok, but i guess theyre doing what they should be from home and alannah knows how to do ng like i do. its just a lot of trust to put into other people, and my trust right now is failling, im not gona lie. there comes a time when you learn the only person you can trust is yourself, and i know that damn well.

i was really down sat night.. just want my babies, cudnt stop crying. i want all my babies, not just the ones ive lost, not just my survivors. all of them. i want my family whole and sometimes i dont get why thats such a big thing to ask for :'(

aaron came home on sat too, rly happy for claire and the kids. i am happy hes back but feels like a lot duno if that even makes sense but like i am glad i have him, an his family n that.. but doesnt stop me wishin i still had cam, my big brother :( he wud no what to do, what to say, but hes not here. and i wish daisy was here too. il call aaron my brother, but it dont mean hes replacin cam, never ever ever. so aarons back now anyway, for like a month an until he gets stuff thru about his next thingy.. shh but i think i prefered writin to him.. much easier to say what i wana say without pretending im all fine n havin to fake a smile. think im a bit jealous too.. there family is so goddam perfect and now paris is part of it, and thats great, hes so happy, but paris is my son and my family and i cant give him that can i.

paris started year one today ,spoke to him super early this morning. duno how time has gone that fast, its mad. how has it been almost 6 years since i was that little girl scared shitless struggling to stay together, having my first little son. crazy i tell you! makes me feel bad cos i took it for granted, i didnt no how lucky i was, spesh in the position i was in and the risks i took, how lucky i was to have such a healthy little boy, almost at term and weighing 6lb 5oz. i duno how he managed it but he did, and for that hes a fighter, but i just hated him and could barely look at him, just off my face. i didnt care. i just hate myself for not looking after him right, for not sitting and watching him sleep in his own little cot, or for not just holding him and cuddling him, dressing him.. doing normal baby things with him cos he was my only change.. :'( breaks my heart. so anyway, hes in year one now, such a big boy, i litrally cant believe it.

im doing ok, my chest is quite bad but hey im used to it.. keeps improving and then getting worse again. i had the worst ear infection ever last week but its just about gone now.. just all fluey and cold lol. il get over it. nothin i cant survive i guess. not like anyone can do fuck all about it.

keep havin dreams about my babies.. ahh.. just gota live with them in my dreams hey..
You'll remember me when the west wind moves, among the fields of barley..
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky, when we walked in fields of gold..

I never made promises lightly, and there have been some that I've broken..
But I swear in the days still left, we will walk in fields of gold..

Many years have passed since those summer days among the fields of barley..
See the children run as the sun goes down, as we lie in fields of gold..
xxxxxx

2011-09-06T11:55:00.000+01:00

From Beau.. to Mama :)

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.
In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.
Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.
In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,
Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.
It won't be forever, the day will come and then
My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.
Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.
Every waking moment, and all your whole life through
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.
Just wish me to be near you,
And I'll be there with you.

2011-09-06T11:54:00.000+01:00

Stop
Listen
Absorb the beauty of life
Appreciate your body’s complexity
A gasp of breath
The patience to hear
The spectrum of sight
A surprising smell
The intensity of love
The glow of laughter
Hands clapping
A moist kiss
The relief of scratching
The ease of walking
Jumping into bed
The release of crying
The satisfaction of sneezing
The eruption of a cough
The freedom to wander
The relaxation of sleep
The adventure of taste
The gulp of swallowing
The sensation of feeling
The power to heal
The endless possibilities of the mind

Stop
Listen
Absorb the beauty of life
Appreciate your body’s complexity
I think i need to do this more often, just stop and appreciate how magical the body is. What a machine.

Daisy-May

2011-09-06T11:52:00.001+01:00

This could only be a bad dream.
She was lost forever with a snap.
Time then froze where I sat.
This no longer seems fair,
but somewhere I still care.
Hey little sister, I'm sorry, I really need you,
I can no longer be with you and it hurts.

Cameron

2011-09-06T11:52:00.000+01:00

I miss you,
I miss the warmth of knowing you’re just a call away,
I miss the way we fought and played,
I miss seeing your big bright smile,
I miss seeing you here and there,
I miss hearing you come in at night,
I miss holding your hand,
I miss your smell,
I miss you with all my might,
I miss having you with me all night,
I miss the way we would fight,
I miss my brother,
I miss my friend,
I miss you and I love you, until the very end x

You have experienced pains and joys
Some twice your age have never seen
Because of all of this you are three times the man
Brother of mine
I could be no prouder
I could love you no more
You can never be too far away
No matter the distance
You’ll always be in my heart.

2011-09-06T11:48:00.000+01:00

Little girl are you lonely,
Standing there beside the sea,
Are your blue eyes sad or only
Filled with dreams too fair for me.

Are the summer breezes making,
Fairy music on the sand,
And the quiet ripples breaking,
From some sea green fairy land.

Ah, the fragrant flowers never
Fade in that sweet sunny air,
And the fairy people ever
Send you dreams and fancies rare.

Little maiden, you must only
Keep your blue eyes clear and free,
And you never will be lonely,
Standing there beside the sea.

2011-09-05T12:32:00.001+01:00

Love is like a butterfly, soft and gentle like a sigh :'(

2011-09-05T12:31:00.001+01:00

I love/hate this crazy tragic sometimes almost magic awful beautiful life..

2011-09-03T23:44:00.000+01:00

I think I'm gettin too hung up injustices in the world right now. But I really miss my babies. Really really miss them. It's such a achingly deep pain. It feels so wrong. I need them.

I do know that tomorrow I can hear them, maybe even see them. But I want them now, and I need them now. I should be able to tip toe into their rooms just to watch them sleep, see their little peaceful faces, and know that all is well, I'm their mummy and nothing can hurt that. Instead I know all too well I'm at everyone else's mercy, and I have to wait.

My big perfect boy, my son, is in my half brothers house, with his girlfriend and his daughters, part of his family. I miss how easy and lovely it once was. Once upon a time, when everything was ok, my son slept in my bed, and his little hands tangled in my hair.

I won't even start on ricky. I've just got to send out love and happiness to wherever he is, and he knows that once he had another mummy, and she was called kay, and she loved him so much she put her own feelings aside and let him be adopted. I hope hes got a fucking good life.

I wish my twins were still together. Such a perfect little pair. Beau is with her uncle and auntie now, nowhere imaginable could be better than that, I know. Fairycakes is in big need of some live and attention and reassurance and sympathy and comforting. I've never seen a more upset little girl, and why shouldn't she be. It's all wrong, and not fair.

I really just want to make it better for her, and its agony not being able to. I should be used to this but it hurts every time. Such a brave brave little chicky I've brought into the world.

I just want to snuggle down with my babies, all if them, all 5 of the precious little things, and have cuddles and kisses, and cam and daisy too. All the people who make it ok.

I know full well its impossible, so ill lower my want to just Paris and fairy, just cuddles and kisses with the most perfect people on earth.

2011-08-31T19:19:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time there was a fairy tale
and all the fairy people were the same.

Once upon a time there was a fairy land
where all the fairy people played the game.

Once upon a time there was a living hell
and all the living dead would go insane.

Once upon a time I lived there and I learned
to shut my mouth, close my eyes and play the fairy game.

2011-08-29T00:27:00.000+01:00

So ok.. just cos you think your it doesn't mean you are. I remember every little thing you say to me. Just cos I don't full on react to it doesn't mean it hasn't hurt me. It doesn't mean you haven't hurt our relationship beyond repair. I wudnt rely on you if u were the last person on earth but I have to cos your what iv bin given. It sucks. I fuckin hate it and I hate you, and takes a lot for me to really hate someone. I'm not a hating person.
But whatever. I thought you were bigger than that. I'll get over it, its not the worst thing that's ever happened to me believe me. You have nothing on that. I'm used to being fine. I've been 'fine' for a while now.
Rant over.

2011-08-26T22:51:00.001+01:00

2011-08-26T22:50:00.001+01:00

2011-08-26T22:44:00.001+01:00

2011-08-26T21:06:00.002+01:00

being a young mum means we met a little early,
but I get to love you longer.

some people said my life would end when I had a baby,
but my life really just started.

you didn't take away my future,
you gave me a whole new one,
im so proud of being a young mum,
and all the young mums out there should be too! ♥ xxx

2011-08-26T16:00:00.001+01:00

2011-08-26T15:59:00.001+01:00

2011-08-25T14:51:00.001+01:00

I was a heavy heart to carry. My feet dragged across the ground. And he took me to the river where he slowly let me drown.

Iv got this weird sinking feeling has been dragging me down for the past two or three days. It makes no sense at all rly cos things have been alrite recently. My princess will b outa hosp, shes almost better, paris is happy, leos coming again soon. Iv put on weight, my chest feels better.

Thers just somethin pulling at the walls of my heart that wont let go. And whatever it is demands that it keeps me from being 100% happy, no matter how good things are in my life. The only thing I seem to want to do is lay in bed and cry. I duno what it is. I want my baby. I want to be fully well. Maybe im just being a bit selfish. Whatever it is, gota pull myself together hey before i do something stupid.

I feel like Im not living. atm I feel like im not living my own life anymore and im just playing at living this life that i want, while really its all just goin on around me while i watch. drifting and sleeping. I dont no why i feel like this sometimes, everything is actually good right now. maybe i just cant rest til its all broken and crap again. i have a beautiful little girl, a beautiful little boy, a brother, plenty of angels in heaven, a place to live, clothes and a bed. i dont really need anything else. Maybe because I am sick and not telling anybody that im scared?

erm i miss my big brother. obviously. i have always missed him an i always will. i know hes in a better place with no crap and i shud b happy with that but bottom line is im not. no one can ever compare with him, no aaron or claire or friends. and its hard for to make friends, its hard to socialize with people, its hard for me to see people laughing,interacting and still sit there being jealous.

I cnt bear the thought of people talkin about me behind my back or anything. i dont know if they do. im sure they must. people look at me strangely enough, talkin isnt far behind. shes so shy, she doesnt speak, shes so skinny, shes got tubes in her nose. i can get over it, i no i can. doesnt stop it bein hard tho.

and when im with the kids, i no people think i look about 10, and when i tell them i have a 5 year old, i know they judge me. its fine. who gives a shit hey. im actually proud of myself for my babies. everything else i kinda hate, but my babies, look at them, i made them. there half me and half daddy and so insanely perfectly beautiful it takes my breath away.

duno where that all came from, but i guess its good to let it out. im not mad, im not angry, im just tired and useless and want more for myself and my babies than what i have right now, and i know in time i can change it, but right now im sat on the sofa coughing and drinking milk and tryin not to throw up, and it feels like a million miles away from what i want.

2011-08-22T23:07:00.000+01:00

hm so since last time i posted..

fairy was kinda ill n not herself for a while, she was like that for a week or so n then really like got quite a lot worse and alannah took her to a and e to be checked out, and they sent her home with antibiotics. she was having more seizures too recently and the drs put it down to her brain growing etc so changed her meds a bit too. so then after having antibiotics a few days, she still wasnt improving.

so then she seemed really ill, not herself at all. really pale and floppy, not responding, crying a lot, not eating etc so alannah took her back to a and e, where they actually did something this time and started running loads of test on her heart, checking out her meds, bloods etc.

everything seemed fine.. so they did an mri to check her brain was ok, and found she had hydrocephalus because something was blocking it from draining away, probably a small bleed on her brain (shes had a few since she was born due to he rprematurity, so she is now more likely to get them and even small ones can have quite a big effect.) so that was sat she was admitted to hosp, and sunday night she was transferred to the childrens hosp in london for all the tests.

they decided she needed a shunt to drain the fluid away, so she had that op monday morning, she had a hole drilled in her skull, some hair shaved away behind her ear and had bandages on her neck, belly and head.

she looked like she had been beaten up :( she looked so awful and they kept her sedated for the 24 hours that she had to stay lying down. then when she did come round, she was inconsolable, crying and screaming non stop. i made her a nest of blankets which helped a tiny bit i think but she was still rly panicky.

they then had to do another mri to check the shunt was working, adn a lumbar puncture to check the pressure so they sedated her for that, and for the few days following as it wasnt doing her any good. n she had anotha 3 lumbar punctures to check the fluid and its all good now!

shes been awake for the last few days but still so so upset, she wont let anyone touch her, she wont stop crying, she wont eat.. i duno what to do to help, shes so upset and angry with everything! theyve had to put an ng tube in now :(

she saw a psychologist today who is going to work with her, trying to get her to play or do anything but she wont. theyve wrapped her in a blanket and she is ok with being held while wrapped in a blanket so the psychologist and doctor think she is still sensitive to touch. the psychologist is going to work with her some more and get in touch with the community team to help when she leaves hosp.

think thats all really.. had a lot to say about f..

i have had a chest infection yet again, my chest was burning.. so i was admitted to hosp sat, but seems a bit better now n not helping being in hosp anyways really. had dial this morning, crap as usual :( hate it so much.. but i guess ill have to get over it. im fine really in the whole scheme of things huh.

2011-08-11T00:07:00.001+01:00

Think iv found what I wana do for beau, tho I think it will b hard n emotional n il have to get my head round it a bit to make alll ok, I want one of them lockets that u put ashes in, so I never have to be far from her. So ive found some lush ones, gota choose, an maybe get f n p to help me :) and maybe get it for her next bday or anni :) I have just under a year to save up £200.. eek!

2011-08-10T22:04:00.000+01:00

had an ok day today, went to see paris n leo, leo brought him to crawley n then claire picked him up from here so we had a cuppa n a chat n all that, it was actually lush.. so good to see my big boy, he was so excited about his hol n seein me n havin his mummy n daddy together bless him..

seeing leo was quite nice too, hes changed so much an grown up. dont think he knows i have a blog so safe to say it here.. i think he was better lookin n taller n all that crap. kinda miss him, but i no i dont want anythin like what we had. just nice to no hes nice n hes there and he can be a good role model to paris and can take him out n i can trust him. if that makes sense.

had dial this aft too, which was obv a pile of crap but i got thru, got super allowance to use inhaler whenever i need, dont think lungs can get much worse so they said to go for it if i think it helps.

fairys doing good but gettin more n more tired n grumpy n slightly purply (normal ish behaviuour for any other toddler but for my girly cud b her heart so better to be safe!) so shes going to the drs tmoro and shes stopped eating as much which is worrying bless her :( never get everything to pull together all nicely do i?!

2011-08-10T00:41:00.000+01:00

I long to feel the soft weight of you,
To welcome you home, with kisses on silky round cheeks.

Instead my arms ache, with the weight of your absence,
The empty places that were meant for you to grow into.

My love for you will last an eternity,
My hopes and dreams now carried
On the fragile wings of each butterfly passing,
Compelling me to pause,
To savour each moment,
Each flutter in my heart, your wings.

Miss you beau, hope ur snuggling down with mama and rosie in the nice n warm.
Giving you lots of kissies!
Thanks for keeping me strong today, I miss you so so much, my arms ache to hold you.
Love mama xxxxxxxxxx

2011-08-10T00:33:00.000+01:00

Looking after mollies bunny rabbit for the night and day lol. Shes called rosie and she's so so cute and warm n fluffy.. I sooo badly want a rabbit now lol. Shes even fallen asleep while iv bin cuddling her! Ima put it on my list of things I'm gona have soon as im outa this goddam house.

Ive been thinking a lot, an I gota get outa here and quick. Thats my conclusion. Duno how tho but I cant stay here.

Im seeing Paris n Leo later on today, cant wait to c my lil man n bit nervous of seeing leo lol tho im sure itl b ok..

Theres riots everywhere again tonite.. think crawleys sent all their police to London but the streets are still full of police.. its so weird.
I do kinda find it exiting tho. Bout time someone stood up to the police n government n I no that sounds like well im safely tucked up in bed blablabla so wudnt no a thing, but yno.. they need to sort out their aims n reasoning n then I support tearing this place apart.
Jus sayin yno..

2011-08-09T02:22:00.002+01:00

I can't sleep :(
I haven't slept for like 2days wahhh
I'm so so tired, so sorry for the weirdo breakneck mood changes
Giving me whiplash!
I duno whose rules im followin no more.. it dnt half make life crazy hard yno

2011-08-08T23:41:00.000+01:00

now on 2 diff inhalers, higher oxygen, still breathing crackly and strugglin to catch my breath. tired of bein so crap at everything.

oh well.

my big boys havin a fun time with his dad, fairy is safely tucked up in bed and im
here all alone without my babies.

i wish beau had a grave, but a moveable grave. i dont really like crawley, but its ok i spose. but i dont wana stay here. but i really really wish i had a place to pop down to and give her some flowers, and pop a teddy there, and make it nice for her. ive got nothing that i can make nice for her :(

an ok, deep breath.. i duno how to explain this so it makes sense. i had a mc before i had ricky, at 15/16 weeks ish.. and it was a little boy, me and leo were gona call it maddie or tyler, so i guess hes tyler. and iv spoke to him about it.. and he knows an he remembers. so theres my other angel, my little boy.

watchin crap tv n wishin i had that perfect family, perfect mind n perfect health.. 3 things il prob never have.

i hate that my family has literally fallen apart, and waiting for it to fall back into place is awful, waiting and waiting for something good to happen. i know so much good is happening right now, but still.. bad is still happeneing too, an its far far from perfect.

sometimes i just hate everything, and i can seem ok and say lol all the time but that dont make it ok lol. takes more than a few stupid things to make everything feel alright.

doesnt matter, il just sit and sit an sit n sit..

2011-08-08T19:32:00.000+01:00

spent most the day at hosp today, had dial n then was meant to be back from ballet but then had to stay at hosp cos my chest is really bad, cud hardly catch my breath.. it was awful. so now bin dosed up with inhaler and obv still got oxygen.. got no hope of ever comin off it atm have i. rly annoyed that i missed ballet.. rly gutted.. :( i wud try n do ma own n stretches etc but cant hardly manage that either.
not mrs positive today.
not happy.
want my babies :(
i want beau

2011-08-07T22:32:00.001+01:00

I needed you to catch me so desperately

2011-08-07T21:34:00.000+01:00

seriously rediscovering postsecret.. oh no

2011-08-07T21:30:00.001+01:00

2011-08-07T21:28:00.001+01:00

2011-08-07T21:27:00.001+01:00

2011-08-06T22:35:00.001+01:00

fairy speaking!

2011-08-05T23:57:00.001+01:00

Alannah brought fairy up so I had her for the day again today, so I was already practically in heaven even before the most amazing thing happened! After her nap (ok loose sense of the word nap.. we both slept and watched itng all aft) I took her dummy out and she shouted AAAAAMAMAMAMAA! I'm so excited..!!! That counts as a word coming from fairy and it was mama, and it was with me :D I didn't mention this in the excited texts sent out to practically my entire phone book.. but she was tapping her head too at the same time (the sign for mama)... so she clearly meant me even if she hasn't got the hang of the word properly, or if will never repeat it again.. she has the noise which is the most exciting thing. I can't describe how happy I am. If the only word she ever says is mamamamamama, im honoured to be her mamamamamama, would love to be referred to as mamamamamama and my heart swells with pride. My little girls come so far. It might not mean much to anyone else, but I know enough of speech development to know its the noise that counts and its there. I'm a super proud mummy, or mamamamamama.

2011-08-04T23:01:00.000+01:00

Paris is staYing with his daddy this week.. he's taken him to pontins in camber sands.. bless. Think leos really trying, and its so sweet! I'm so jealous tho..I want a full week with my boy too :( Leo has even remembered to get Paris to call me every day to tell me all about it, he's so cute and excited about everythin..do u no today he went to the beach even though it was rainy and then got wet and collected shells and daddy helped him build a giant sandcastle cos daddy is amazing and the best and the sun shines outa daddys bum. Kidding..im just jealous. Leos even given up smoking, has learnt to drive and got a job..turned his life around.he seems gentler and more grown up. Its good for paris to be around him right now :) and I think he is being a good dad to him right now in this muddled up mess weve made ourselves.

Fairy has been beautiful and giggly today :) meds are working better an she seems less tired..sooo relived! We went out to town all on our own an then I made us dindins and we made a giant mess lol, then I bathed her and we had cuddles in our pjs an she fell asleep with mama in my bed.. cud actually cry at how lovely and normal it was. Alannah picked her up at 9 ish so had a lush full day with her.

2011-08-02T00:37:00.003+01:00

2011-08-02T00:37:00.001+01:00

2011-07-31T00:24:00.000+01:00

sometimes i like to hold your little bear and take comfort in the fact that once upon a time you also held it this close. your hat was once on your head. this bracelet was once on your wrist. this necklace was just milimeters from your beating heart.

i know its silly. no one can be captured in material possessions...but sometimes we need to take what we can get.

beau, my girl, my oldest girl, my twin a, my babygirl, these are some of the most important things i own.

three weeks? i have so much i could say about july, about your life, but the words wont come...

this is my most viewed post..

2011-07-30T22:14:00.002+01:00

Way up above us, twinkling bright,
There must be a million stars in the sky tonight, tonight.
But don’t you worry, no need to cry,
You are the only twinkle that’s in my eye, tonight.

You’re more than one in a million,
No one can take your place,
Though I could try,
There’s no way that I could ever forget your face,

You’re more than one in a million,
No other ever could do,
Cause not even one in a million, could ever compare to you,
Could ever come close to you.
Through all the laughter, through all the tears,
Whenever you need me, I will be standing here, right here.
No need to wonder, don’t ever fear,
Though you may wonder,
I’ll always be right here, right here.

You’re more than one in a million,
No one can take your place,
Though I could try,
There’s no way that I could ever forget your face.

You’re more than one in a million,
No other ever could do,
Not even one in a million, could ever compare to you,
Could ever come close to you.
Could ever come close to you.

Cam
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
xxx

Daisy
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
xxx

My beautiful angel Beau
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
xxx

Love you and miss you to the moon and back xxx

2011-07-30T21:46:00.000+01:00

beau, i bet your sick of all these random posts for you! ive found what i want to say in a million ways :P

just know im thinking of you, every single day.
do you hear my voice?
do you hear me shout your lovely name? shouting that im missing you, everyday?
those memories of you dont go away.
these tears dont stop flowing.
i wish you could hear me.
i hope you can hear me.
xxxxx

2011-07-30T21:39:00.001+01:00

10 Truths About Grief

Grief can make you impulsive, because you realize just how precious life is. For short, powerful bursts of time, you think “fuck it” and run for your life.

Grief can make you a walking tempest, a ball of pure rage. You hate everything. You compare everyone. You begin to resent friends who are alive for not being the ones who are dead.

Grief can make Hollywood your life. You have an internal monologue for insignificant moments and create a soundtrack on iTunes, which you play when feeling particularly emo.

Grief can make you passionate and lethargic. You will never sleep as much, and as little, when grieving.

Grief can make you amazingly alone, but more claustrophobic and suffocated than ever. Everyone avoids you, yet everyone asks how you are.

Grief can make you search for anything that represents emotions you know are lurking somewhere inside you but are unable to articulate.

Grief can make you feel old, because you feel more than ever before, and young, because of how helpless you have become.

Grief can make you wallow in self-pity while feeling angry at others for doing the same. Everything is assimilated into your perspective.

Grief can make you obsessed with the well-being of everyone you love. Every ache should be seen to by a doctor – and every doctor has no clue what they’re doing.

Grief reminds you just how bittersweet life is, and brings back the fact that one day, if you’ve lived right, people will be grieving over you. For some reason, this is not scary at all.

I think it makes me kinda insane.. it makes me want to run and never come back, it makes me want to snap my head back cos nothing matters anymore. Its a weird and heartbreaking feeling. Im broken and unfixable, but this makes me weaker and stronger at the same time.

2011-07-30T21:27:00.001+01:00

Every time I close my eyes
I see faded dreams
A lifeless body
Vomit threatens
All hope abandoned
I could lie down and
My heart could stop beating altogether

2011-07-30T21:24:00.002+01:00

Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again.The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.

~ Pema Chödrön

2011-07-30T21:21:00.000+01:00

so spent most the day yesterday in hospital.. my chest is really bad atm n i get so outta breath so quick its awful. and then i had to have the routine kidney checks and tests think the scales at the house are wrong or ive lost 3kg in like 2 days. not gona lie i did have a pretty bad few days of eating on beaus anni and day after, its hard to fancy eatin wen it feels like your hearts been ripped out at the same time.. not top of ma priorities. oh well. 40kg it is. and then i had dial too.

beaus anni was a washout.. i honestly dont feel like it gets any better.. it feels fucking awful every time. i think im gona die crying and crying now thinking about it.. i miss her so so much. i cant believe shes gone, and those special days just make it so much worse, and i feel so much more empty. alannah brung fairy up to see me soon as she could after fairy had her check up at gosh with the neuro and cardiologist.. it ended up being like 7 o clock but oh well.. i had something to look forward to thank god. so we had loads of cuddles and kisses and snuggled in bed and dreamed of beau, as instructed.

i wish i still had both my girls. i wish i had twins. i know i am still mummy to twins and they are still twins, but i wish she was right here with me.

new blog today.. bit less flowery and more minimal. i like it so far.. but maybe its too much not enoughness yget me?!

2011-07-29T00:32:00.000+01:00

fuck that. im insanely angry that ur not here baby. angry. angry with lauren cos shes a insensitive bitch an its not fair. how can u not be here. you should be right here with me, with fairy and paris and not fucking dead.
im angry that fairy doesnt have a sister.
and im angry that ive lost a daughter.
im so angry girly im shaking. you deserve to be here.

I LOVE YOU BEAU NICOLE.

2011-07-28T23:07:00.000+01:00

hello beau babygirl
i cant believe its been 3years since i lost you.. since we said goodbye.. i cant believe it. i miss you so so much, i wish you were here. i hope you like your new plany and tell your big uncle cam hes got a plant too n to check it out.
i miss saying your name out loud so much. i shouted your name. it was beautiful beau. it felt so good.
im sorry.. i dont think i can say enough for you baby, just know i love you so so much, and you were and always will be my beautiful baby girl and you and fairy will always be twins.
nanite princess
love you
xxxxxxxx

2011-07-21T23:47:00.000+01:00

Bin thinkin a lot this week, had a rly bad chest so barely bin able to get up so been left alone with my thoughts. Started reading my blog back from the start, its strange, its like in a whole different life hut at the same time I can remember writing that all and feeling so shit and scared and needing to be told to breathe and that it was ok. Weird feeling of genuine panic that it happened. It's been 3 years since i started his blog, well over 3.. but it still feels like yesterday. I had twins and I was excited for a new direction in my life and to be their mum, and then my little girl died. That feels like the strangest thing ive ever writen. My child died. Maybe ill stop this now and continue when i dont feel as weird..